Highly Sensitive Woman

The experience of living as a highly sensitive woman in a noisy, busy and unrelenting world

Do we stop seeing danger in everyday ordinary?

October 31, 2026

A wise woman raised a very thought provoking idea in her recent post: can something in life become so familiar that we stop seeing it for what it is. As strange as it sounds, do we stop seeing ‘danger’ in the everyday ordinary? I really had to think hard about this and then it became crystal clear.

As you know by now, we are struggling with ‘The Big Decision’ (it had to be bolded ‘cause as I write this I hear a booming game show voice in my head) do we stick with country living or become townies again? As I write this I hear hunters up in the fields. Everytime I hear a volley of shots my heart stops for that moment and I want to cry. Clearly I am not made out of country stuff!

Having said that, almost daily we tell ourselves that maybe, just maybe, we should stay on here. Why??? What became clear today is that the familiar ‘Here’ means security. The Estate we lease from isn’t going to sell off property after hundreds of years of tenants. If we move to a city we are back to a riskier situation. Everybody thinks you should own a house but renting has allowed us to live in different places, each with their individual pros and cons. Some we loved and some not so much. We never feared moving on, in fact we rather relished it. It was part of the original grand plan when we moved from Canada to the UK. Ten years or so of big city living and then another 10 years or so of country living.

We forget that our decision making didn’t take a ‘wrong’ turn!

My head shouts, “How could we have made such a stupid decision?” My heart whispers, “Of course you didn’t it was an opportunity to try something new”. My head counters with, “Another bad decision means you should be fearful of the next”. Yes, every time we venture into this decision making journey the safety of the familiar rears it’s head and we retreat toward ‘knowing’. The ‘danger’ is that settling for something only because it is safe and familiar means accepting, no quibbles, what it actually means to you.

As winter settles in here the decision becomes all about timing. Winter is not our favourite season as we experienced many losses in past winters. Then add the practicalities of winter in the country! We will have to rely on planning a new stage of life and lots of patience to get us through the coming dark days.

Acceptance can be difficult especially when you stop seeing the danger in settling for something that no longer fits. Safety comes from being honest with yourself and trusting your inner knowing even if at times you don’t like what it is telling you! And that’s just it.

With Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)

The 50+ woman’s burnout

October 22, 2026

Everybody can learn from this but a special ‘heads up’ to those of you who are 50+! You see, 50 plus often means 50+ and fried. Burnout doesn’t stop with, shall we say, maturity. Unfortunately it can hound us into our ‘wisdom years’. Here’s why…

One of our main talking points has always been the idea that as women we were Raised and Trained to burnout. Now this concept has been known to raise a few hackles. Mum’s in the audience thought they were getting the ‘mum blame’ thing again and women are sensitive about any criticism of their own mums. That is not our intent. However, we do want you to understand that we are all products of our generations.

Now if you are 50+ you may not be an actual Boomer but you were most likely raised by one. FYI: First wave 1946-1955; second wave 1956-1964.

The Boomer generation experienced a huge cultural shift mid-generation. I think of the divide as the ‘Elvis boomers vs the Beatles boomers’! What didn’t change, however, were the unspoken rules and hidden values that defined women. Here’s where we got caught up in the burnout trap.

Women of ‘boomer parenting’ or being boomers themselves were raised to never need anyone, to not ask for help, to never admit even needing help, or to talk about difficulties or problems. Life was kept private. You weren’t ‘allowed’ to talk about medical/physical issues (including sex), finances, politics or religion. We were raised to be ‘ladies’. So even if you were breaking inside you smiled and summed up your status with these two simple words, “I’M FINE”!

When feminism took root again in the second wave of the boomer generation (1956-1964) not needing help was seen as a badge of merit. Handling life on your own was to be proud of, admired and screamed independence to the world. It didn’t matter though because even though society was changing, the woman’s role was still about looking after everybody else. The inner conflicts kept increasing.

You can see where this is heading. We became people pleasers, had frightful difficulty saying ‘No’ and was always the one being called upon to help. Being a girl still meant standing in the background, being subservient, taking care of everybody, not asserting your own beliefs or values and doing it all with a smile ‘cause after all ‘you were fine’!

But we weren’t ok. We were becoming discouraged, disappointed with life, disillusioned and, let’s not forget, exhausted. A big gap started developing between who we really were and what we really wanted, what we were feeling and thinking and who we were told we ‘should’ be just ‘cause we were girls. We call that the Reality Gap and it is in this gap that burnout finds its roots. We learned it from our mums, they learned it from their mums and on and on it was passed down, and dare I say it, still is.

Burnout in the 50+ club of women is now rampant. They have taken care of everyone in their lives and many still are. They have raised kids and now many raise grand-kids, most of their adult lives they have worked outside of the home and many still are. (Let’s not forget all the work that happens inside the home and always has!) They have been the dutiful caring daughters, and many still are as they add elder care to their portfolio. We musn’t forget that this age group of women were also being affected by the culture shift embodied by the boomer generation and that meant many remained single, chose not to have children, divorced (did you know that Boomers have the highest divorce rate?), and that means they learned to do everything by themselves without (you got it) asking for help! That spells one thing, exhaustion. That spells burnout.

So if this has resonated with you stay tuned because we will be talking a lot more about being 50+ and fried. We hear you, we get you.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka THEBURNOUTQUEENS)

The Burnout Lesson and Lipstick

September 22, 2026

Hands up, have you got a burnout personality? Well I do. Happily I’ve got the burnout part of it sorted, no more burnout for me. Recently however I realised that my BOP Factor (burnout personality) has been flying under the radar and impacting another part of my life.

I was going along thinking that having a super flexible, bendy body is a good thing as you age, apparently it’s not, it is in fact a syndrome. Recent research I discovered connected the dots for me. Sprains, falls, being clumsy and bruisey, extreme exhaustion and even a cardiac component which is totally benign but unsettling and annoying. As it all fell into place (excuse the pun!) it led me to the realisation that my BOP Factor was at play. You see, the burnout lesson I swallowed hook, line and sinker while growing up was this,

Put your lipstick on and keep going!

When I fell I kept going, when I was too tired I pushed through, I worked till I dropped throughout university, never let anyone down and (ta da!) I always wore my lipstick. I perfected that lesson. I may have escaped my burnout trap but some of the same dynamics were humming along in the background tending to make me push beyond my endurance, take on tasks that were too big for my body, and at times to ignore signs that my body was in trouble. Now that’s a confession to myself and to you.

The power to once again deal with this burnout characteristic is in my hands. I can’t change my body but I can change how I handle it. I’ll take more breaks, make tasks more manageable and outsource the hard stuff when I need to. And I won’t feel guilty, old, weak, lazy or like I’m shirking!

Patterns, like our BOP factor, lie so deeply inside our psyches that we are often unaware of their impact on our daily life and daily choices. My burnout personality led me to follow false cues. When my intuition (inner cues) was saying ‘pause, wait, rest, or enough already!’ I chose to follow false cues based on lifelong learning. So I ‘put my lipstick on and kept going’ to my physical and mental detriment.

If you would like to understand more about your own burnout personality, your BOP Factor, you can find more information in the coming days on our blog. Knowledge is power, Burnout Queen power.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens) xx

THE DECISION and 4D’s of Burnout

August 19, 2026

I’ve been ruminating for a few days on what to write about. It’s never been far from my mind, but my mind has not been cooperating. You see nothing much has been going on. In fact it’s been a very strange Summer indeed.

Mainly what has dominated the Summer has been a series of heatwaves and apparently we can expect more in September. We even had a ‘red alert’ on our mobile phones the other evening. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a deafening siren. My first instinct as a child of the 50s/60s was ‘duck and cover’. Now for some of you who are younger you may not remember duck and cover. Hiding under your desk with your head covered was supposed to save us from a nuclear bomb! We know better now, but apparently the training still held! The Red Alert (!) was to give us advice on avoiding starting a wildfire. Although reasonable advice, this jarring reminder of danger only added to the strangeness of this Summer. Once my heart slowed down, and we had secured Noggie, I started thinking about what it all really meant.

In retrospect I realised how disappointing this Summer has been. It has meant fighting with a garden that for the most part wasn’t going to survive, vegetables that finally got pulled out since there were no fruits of my labour, and changing or cancelling plans and trips due to soaring heat. To me this summer has been clarifying.

I began to think about THE DECISION (as it has come to be known around the house) about whether to return to city living or stay countrified. I was reminded of one of our primary concepts of dealing with burnout…the 4D’s of Burnout. So where was I on this ladder?

I was definitely disappointed, thwarted. Was I discouraged? Absolutely and losing enthusiasm fast. Hmm, okay what about step 3 on the ladder…was I disillusioned? You betcha, definitely feeling defeated.

This was enough to tell me that perhaps the decision is made but we are just hiding in the confusion. Anyway, I took a look at step 4 on the 4Ds ladder just to be sure. Was I disheartened? Not completely but it could become a slippery slope.

However (there is always a glass full moment) knowing the 4Ds lets me retrace my steps on the ladder and find answers to what I truly want and need. Now that is essentially what dealing with burnout is all about.

If you are curious to know more about the 4Ds so that you can use them to help you avoid or deal with burnout you can find them in our next read here on the blog.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka: The Burnout Queens) xx

The 4Ds of Burnout

August 19, 2026

Burnout doesn’t ‘happen’ all at once. Burnout sneaks up on you. The 4 D’s are a progressive ladder of emotions that play a major role in burnout. Apply these to any area of your life and pinpoint where you are on the ‘ladder’ and what you need to do to create change.

No. 1 Disappointed ~

When disappointed you may feel, sad, confused, thwarted, unsatisfied, frustrated, regretful, let-down or even betrayed.

Your hopes or expectations have not been met.

If disappointed you may need a very active response towards the situation or person. Small changes can have a big impact. Look for solutions or change your desired outcome and don’t be afraid to express your disappointment.

No. 2 Discouraged ~

When discouraged you may feel, weary, pessimistic or dejected.

Your confidence and enthusiasm is diminishing be it for a situation, project or even a person.

When you are discouraged it takes more effort to keep looking for different ways forward. The key here is to keep trying and keep going. Look at what you are disappointed in and what isn’t working for you. Take a break from the situation so that you can refocus and recoup your energy.

No. 3 Disillusioned ~

When disillusioned you may feel futile, despondent or defeated.

You are losing sight of your dream, goal or desired outcome. You may start expecting the worst. You are losing your desire to try. It’s ‘as if’ your belief or faith in something or someone is mistaken or unrealistic.

When you are feeling disillusioned you know something is not right. You no longer feel enthusiastic or energetic about what you are doing. You are not even feeling sure about what your goal originally was. You may begin to fear or expect a poor outcome.

You need to retrace your steps back from disillusionment. You need to reconnect with your original desires and goals. Ask yourself if it is still what you want, what (or who) has gotten in your way, and the important question, are you still willing to move towards your goal, regardless.

No. 4 Disheartened ~

When disheartened you feel dispirited, weary or even depressed.

It’s almost too hard to care anymore. You begin to feel indifferent towards the situations, people or experiences. You have lost your usual determination. You feel like you are out of options or resources when it comes to finding a solution.

It takes a lot of energy to respond when you are disheartened because it feels like you have lost the heart and soul of what you were doing. You feel lost. So what do you do? Don’t hide from the truth of how you are feeling. Talk about how you are feeling. Maybe you need help to sort it out. You may have to temporarily or permanently stop the very thing that has brought you to this point.

Remember, even if you are feeling disheartened you can still change. Go back to the beginning of the ladder and retrace your steps. Make whatever small changes you can. Then stop and reevaluate where you are and what you want.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)

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