Highly Sensitive Woman

The experience of living as a highly sensitive woman in a noisy, busy and unrelenting world

Finally, I had arrived…but where?

August 2, 2026

I’m sitting here totally frustrated! My laptop has decided on work to rule and my printer won’t communicate with my laptop! This is all due to an ‘upgrade’ that would be faster, better, quicker, easier. It’s not. I yearn for the ‘old days’ (that would be last week) when all was working just fine and plenty fast enough to get everything done.

So, I ask you Universe (‘cause you can’t talk to a human in the same country) in all sincerity and bewilderment, why does everything have to be quicker, faster, better. Just so you know, I’m not some old fuddy-duddy who wants to go back to the days of dial-up (and before you ask, yes I do remember them but only for a very short time).

We have decades in our lives that are defined by achieving, moving up, doing more, setting one bigger goal after another. I admit I remember when 18-hour days were a badge of honour. I’d arrived…but where? For me it was the land of burnout!

As we get older nature naturally begins to slow us down. Not in some scary way but in a way that encourages us to pursue more relaxation, leisure, softer values, and maybe even eventually retiring from the busyness of work-life.

We can stop trying so hard, pushing through and simply be. We can retire from busyness, hurrying just for the sake of hurrying, saying yes to please others, giving everything to our job (when did work become everything?), putting everyone else’s needs first, or doing things that don’t really matter to you.

As we find a different style of living we go through lots of changes. Some of these changes feel uncomfortable (like playing ‘hooky’ from school) but many of these changes are a welcomed breath of fresh air. With age we have the chance to reflect on what we truly want to do.

Redefining aging, and retirement, means reengaging with newness, change, reflection, beauty, quiet time, friends that ‘get you’, activities that resonate with who you are, new discoveries, adventures, creativity, old dreams, and new dreams.

The big surprise was how easy it was to make these changes, not all at once, but gradually, slowly, savouring each and every new sense of freedom.

The thing I want you to take from this is knowing that in order to find something new you always have to leave something old behind. For me it was a burnout lifestyle.

Cheers, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)xx

The agony of decisions

July 16, 2026

Decisions! Love them or hate them they are omnipresent. Most of the mundane everyday decisions we don’t even notice, like getting up or getting dressed. We make hundreds of these nondescript decisions everyday. It is the ‘other ones’ that have some of us declaring that we ‘can’t make decisions’ and for others feeling frozen like a deer in the headlights!

Some decisions just sit there like a heavy weight.

There is no obvious solution. No right or wrong. Not really even a deadline. I know this. But knowing doesn’t make it any easier. I have even taught theories of decision making at university and one of my ‘famous quotes’ came back at me in a students term paper, “when it comes right down to it, most of us toss a coin”. In my defense, it’s true.

I know there are rarely perfectly clear answers to decisions. Heck, there are no perfect answers at all. And yet I find myself wanting a clear sign from the Universe like a bird flying by holding a sign that says ‘choose this’! One minute I think I know but in the next instance I am arguing (with myself) for the opposite! I’m sure you all know what I mean.

So I try to muster up all the wisdom (giving myself credit here) that I have accumulated over many many years and tell myself to just sit with it, go with the flow, trust the Universe and any other motivational sound bite I can recall.

Despite my best efforts every fibre in my being screams, ‘just decide’! Let me be clear, there is absolutely no time pressure on this decision, only self-induced. I can take as long as it takes to figure it out: days, months, even years.

Still the pressure feels intense and heavy like the air before a thunderstorm. It demands attention.

I have taken many ‘leaps of faith’ in my life: many hold your nose and jump moments when I didn’t have a clue if my decision was ‘right’. So everyday I ask myself why does this decision feel so different? I haven’t figured this out. Only that it is a lesson in patience, trust and faith.

By now you are either glazing over from my indecision or asking what on earth this massive decision is. Well, here it is… After almost 7 years living on the edge of a small village in the countryside, with at times only sheep as neighbours, do we move back to city living or not? (By the way, do you know how loud sheep can be? I didn’t, they are!)

Every decision means an ending and a beginning; letting go of something known and embracing something new.

All I can say is…When l know, I’ll know. When I know, you’ll know. Together we can celebrate the end of the agony of not knowing! In the meantime you can follow our spiral path, every twist and turn, forward, back and begin again!

Until next time, Embrace Life!

Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka: The Burnout Queens) xx

The Many Styles of Highly Sensitive Women | We Are. No apologies.

July 25, 2020

Many years of knowing and working with Highly Sensitive women (and being one myself) has shown me what a diverse group we are. It is nothing short of infuriating to see HSPs portrayed as ‘shrinking violets’ or so vulnerable that they need to take special care when out in the world.

I don’t think I’m the only one that gets annoyed when reading advice suggesting that if you are Highly Sensitive it would be a good idea to notify those around you so that others, at work or at home, can accommodate or make allowances and adjustments for your sensitivities! If that doesn’t set you up to feel ‘different’ in a not-so-good way, or feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with you, I don’t know what would. The attitude of ‘be careful with us’ diminishes us.

We don’t need or want others to ‘be careful with us’ we simply want others to respect who we are, who we were born to be.

Highly Sensitive women are strong, resilient, talented, and quite able to take on the world, thank you very much. We may be quiet and reflective but when we are in full swing, nothing stops us. You may see us as cautious (and truthfully many of us believe we are ‘too’ cautious at times) but we are the members of your team who will see any potential pitfalls or errors, we will ‘cross the T’s and dot the I’s’ so to speak. We see things others do not. Call it intuition, psychic ability, good guessing or enhanced brain waves. Whatever or however you see our ability to read between the lines, you better believe it is real.

Of one thing you can be sure (and proud), whatever we do, we do with heart and soul. And…passion.

Passion fills us with joy. Passion gives us the energy we need to keep going in the face of difficulty. Passion overcomes our fear when we need to fight for what is right and just, two things we passionately believe in.

Without passion we suffocate.

Most people think that anyone who is sensitive is automatically an Introvert. Well, not true. Quite a few highly sensitive individuals are Extroverts and many more are simply able to draw on both their introvert strengths and their extrovert abilities. We are actually very adaptable and flexible! It is true that we often like ‘alone’ time to recharge our batteries, but that does not mean that we are anti-social or fearful of the world at large. It simply means that we love peace and quiet, even solitude. No apologies.

As I write this I am flooded with memories of talented, strong and powerful Highly Sensitive women. So let me sum us up…

We are world travellers.

We are techies.

We are artists and performers.

We are scientists.

We are daughters, sisters, mums, and grandmothers.

We are partners.

We are leaders.

We are philosophers.

We are environmentalists.

We are animal rights activists.

We are healers.

We are wise women.

We are.

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

Cupid Is Getting On My Nerves! | With Love HSPs Can Change The World!

February 12, 2020

Here’s my dilemma, I’ve been sitting at my computer waiting for divine intervention. You see it’s Valentine’s Day and everytime I attempt to write something thoughtful Cupid hijacks my mind with all things red, rosey, and chocolatey! Now I love roses and chocolates as much as the next person but my soul really wants to honour what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about. Simply Love.

One of my all time favourite books is a ‘little’ book called “Love is Letting Go of Fear” by Gerald Jampolsky. Now when I say ‘little’ I mean it’s truly skinny in size but huge in ideas. When I first discovered this tiny gem decades ago, I didn’t get it. I wasn’t ready to get it. So I dismissed it as self-help rubbish! (I humbly apologise for my youthful ignorance.)

Years later, mysteriously, this little book flew off the shelf. I swear it flew off the bookcase with angel’s wings, landing in my unexpecting hands. Blessedly, this time I read it and, more importantly, I got it. (Which is why you should never ever get rid of a book!)

Here is the premise of the book in a nutshell, preferably a hazlenut praline!

You can’t love, be real, or be free when you live in fear.

Why?

Love and fear are mutually exclusive.

You can’t live in fear and love life. You can’t live fearfully and love yourself. Fear makes us feel vulnerable and visible, so we hold ourselves back from loving.

When I fear failure, I can’t love the breathlessness of trying something for the first time.
If I fear success, I can’t love the exhilaration of accomplishment.
When I fear being visible, it is impossible to love the boldness of my creativity.
When I fear not being understood, I cannot love openly and honestly.

I know this is resonating with you…

When I let go of my fear I love my child enough to let them grow and go.
When I let go of fear I watch with love as my partner pursues their dreams.
When I stop fearing loss, I can love with abandon.

Love is quiet, love is gentle, love is big and love is bold…love is all there is (Lennon & McCartney were a true love of this sixties girl!). Love means letting go of fear because fear is inconsequential in the face of pure love.

BE Love.

Join us in the spirit of Valentine’s Day and embrace Love. Each day for the next week let love show its power through your words and actions. Find a way, small or big, to be love. Face the fear that stops you from experiencing and expressing the ‘you that is Love’.

Love means letting go of fear. Go ahead, be bold, be love.

With love’s power us HSPs can change the world.

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

The HSP Fear Factor! | Your Pause To Check Advantage

October 12, 2019

Here is my confession fellow HSPs… I’m cautious and I make no apologies for it. For me being Highly Sensitive comes with its own ‘fear factor’. I also know that fear no longer makes me feel powerless. I will never again be held hostage by my fears. As long as I stay in touch with my highly sensitive fear factor I can trust myself to take risks, have adventures, get out into the world and get on with living.

Accepting and embracing my HSP fear factor means
I’m free to defy ordinary!

I haven’t always enjoyed this freedom. My mum used to say, “I won’t live in fear” and I (being small and impressionable) believed this was how ‘larger than life’ I should be! My natural HSP cautiousness made it hard to live up to that belief.

Over time I began to feel ashamed about being fearful (and that was pretty darn often). Fear made me feel weak, sometimes ‘crazy’ and wrong, very wrong. Instead of trusting my fear I lived with constant stress, worry, anxiety and eventually panic attacks. That was the result of losing my natural, innate connection to fear and trying so hard to “not live in fear”.

Then I read a book that changed my relationship with fear, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (Little, Brown & Company,1997) and it truly was a gift. From that day forward I have recommended this book to every woman I have had the honour of knowing and working with.

I began to understand that living with fear day in and day out was creating white noise that everything was filtered through. With all that inner static I didn’t know when to be afraid and when not to.

Fear is involuntary…worry & anxiety are choices.

It wasn’t easy to recognise and change my fear factor. Fear has many disguises! I began by asking myself questions about my fear on a regular basis and as I did the inner static began to subside:

Is anything bad happening right now?
Are the knots & butterflies in my stomach about anything real?
Do I need to be afraid?

Fear is anticipatory. Fear in and of itself is a warning that something bad might happen. This gem changed my relationship with fear. Pause and let this revolutionary thought sink in.

If I am feeling fear nothing is happening at this moment!

If you are slightly perplexed by this new way of conceptualizing fear a couple of my own experiences might make it clearer. I looked up and saw a car heading straight for us. I felt Fear (yes with a capital F). In the next second fear was gone. Why? I was in action, responding to the actuality of the accident by extricating myself from the car. Here’s another: it was 2am and a very loud invasion-type burglary begins at the front door! I woke in absolute terror. Then I was on my feet, on the phone, and although my heart was pounding I didn’t have time to feel the actual fear. (Just so you know it was the next door office!) We don’t need to be afraid of fear, we need to listen to it.

Fear can make you second guess everything about yourself.

Fear keeps you clinging tightly to the old instead of being open to the unfamiliar and unexpected. When we don’t understand fear, life begins to revolve around our fear. Fear stops us from taking chances, stops us from being creative, and stops us from chasing our dreams. Fear stopped me from truly being myself.

Fear rules when you burnout!

Fear plays a major part in burnout. You can’t get over burnout when you live in fear. Fear makes us tighten the reigns, push harder, try to get more control over life and those around us. We are fearful we are going to be ‘discovered’ and found lacking, fearful we can’t keep going, fearful ‘it’s’ never going to change, fearful for our health, our relationships and fearful we are ‘ruining’ our life. Fear keeps us trapped in the same old patterns that led to burnout in the first place, patterns like perfectionism, people pleasing, and trying to be everything to everyone.

I used to curse my ‘overly’ cautious nature: I was embarrassed by it! For years my fear caused me shame. Now I cherish my Highly Sensitive pause-to-check advantage. My natural intuition, coupled with a dose of healthy HSP caution, gives me the time and ability to assess and consider whether the fear I am feeling is relevant and imminent… or simply white noise. Now that’s an advantage I can use!

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

P.S. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

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