Have you found yourself ‘moaning’ about stuff getting in your way?  Are you feeling thwarted from achieving everything you want in your life?  Well, we may not be the popular kids in the club for saying this, but we say it with love, maybe you are ambivalent about actually going after what you want.  Maybe you have come up against one of the most potent barriers to feeling fully engaged in your life.  You think you want something, you tell yourself, and maybe even others, that you want something but when it comes right down to it…

Ambivalence can make you the
poster child of wishy-washy!

Ambivalence can stop you in your tracks because you are caught between conflicting feelings and choices.  Consciously you may be able to state quite clearly what your goals or wants are, but unconsciously ambivalence, with all its mixed feelings, is a hidden barrier to achieving all you want.

Oh, ambivalence may appear innocent and innocuous but (big but) ambivalence is a BIG barrier to balance, fulfillment, and bliss.  Not only that, ambivalence makes a frequent appearance on that path to burnout!

In its own quiet way ambivalence creates this kind of ho-hum, push-pull energy;  I want something, but do I really want it?  Do I really have the energy to pursue it?  Ambivalence leaves you frustrated, blocked, and stalled.  But, hey you are ambivalent so you tell yourself that ‘it doesn’t really matter’.  Well, my dear, it does!

Ambivalence clouds your clarity, drains your energy, and
wastes your time!

When you are ambivalent you may actually reject the very lifestyle, job, career, relationship, or life change that you consciously think you want.  We know that  redesigning a lifestyle involves many choices and changes, both big and small.  We also know that wanting life-change can often be accompanied with intense feelings of guilt, fear, selfishness, anxiety, self-doubt, and (no kidding with all these feelings going on) exhaustion.  When you are shoulder-shrugging about what you want, already difficult choices get that much harder to make.

Ambivalence unconsciously sabotages you
getting what you want.

So what does ambivalence sound like and feel like?  Well, one minute you believe in yourself and what you want and the next moment you don’t.  One day you wake up full of energy about changing, the next day you feel like hiding from it.  Today you feel so sure of your direction but tomorrow you feel lost.  With one thought you push yourself forward and tell yourself “it is going to be great” but the next thought brings self-doubt and the “how could I be so stupid?” message.  It is head spinning!

Ambivalence tempts you to give up, feel the failure, and
sound the retreat.

Think about something you really want in your life that requires a big decision or big change.  Come up with 5 reasons you tell yourself you should ‘go for it’.  Think about how life will change, be better, more inspired, healthier, whatever it is you are after.  Got it?

Now, go on and get all argumentative!  Argue yourself out of every one of your reasons that you came up with for changing your life.  (If you are a true Burnout Queen you have probably had practice at talking yourself out of things.)  Finally, review your reasons for and against.  What is dizzying about it is that quite often both sides make sense.  Well, this is the voice of ambivalence and it keeps you tap-dancing about your personal power, your success, your achievements, and your happiness.

Identifying your ambivalence is like coming out of the fog.

You suddenly know what you want and why you want it.  Sure you still have to make the changes, feel the jitters, goof-up a few times, but now you can get up, brush yourself off, and know exactly where you are heading.  Feels good!

Over the next few articles we are going to look at a few other hidden barriers that may be getting in your way to achieving your full potential…and avoiding burnout.

Shake off these hidden barriers and the stars are your limit…or not!

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

It’s time again!  It’s time to address overwhelm.  Every couple of years we revisit this topic, but each and every week we talk to clients about how they are feeling seriously overwhelmed in their lives.  Back when I first started writing about overwhelm I called it the ‘curse of the 21^st century’ and, you know what, I haven’t changed my mind one bit.  I mean to say…

Feeling overwhelmed
can bring the strongest of us to our knees.

Now, overwhelm is usually associated with a ‘to do’ list that could stretch around the globe, but we can also become overwhelmed from thoughts whirling in our head, or too many decisions to make, or even one too many great choices to choose from.  Here’s my current example, I’m desperately looking forward to my niece and two great (and I mean great!) nieces visiting in May.  I happily drop everything to spend time with these three, but beforehand my head is whirling with figuring out how to fit in all the adventures we want to have, when to get the dog sitter, which outings require the train and which ones suit the car (with or without panting dogs in the back seat!), dare I say it I’m overwhelmed by planning fun!

The most common misperception about overwhelm is that it has everything to do with ‘To Do’s’.

Well, my lovelies, overwhelm is not about the stuff.  Overwhelm is about the feelings that surround the stuff, the many projects, tasks, demands, shoulds, ought to’s, and everything else that lands on your list.  Being overwhelmed stems from a torrent of feelings and thoughts that all hit at the same time and vie for attention: feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, expectations and obligations all falling over each other trying to be first in line.  That’s what overwhelm is.

I need to…I should…what if I can’t?

When you are overwhelmed you likely feel a mixture of some of these  emotions (Perfectionism alert! There is no ‘right or wrong’ combo!):  stress, confusion, fear, anger, pressure, unsureness, embarrassment, and/or shame.  You may feel like you want to run or you may feel paralysed and can’t act.  You may feel like you can’t think.  You believe you can’t find a solution.  And you know what, at that moment you are right, you can’t find a solution.  Not at that moment anyway.

When we focus only on the ‘stuff’ our focus gets bogged down in how to get more and more done, how to prioritise all the seemingly ultra-important tasks, how to beat the clock, how to work faster and faster, until ultimately we end up tripping over our own feet and falling flat on our face!

Getting over the shame of being overwhelmed is a huge step.

There is no shame in becoming overwhelmed.  It happens.  So let’s drop the shame, drop the embarrassment, drop the fear that we are failing and look at a few very simple, but very savvy solutions.

No. 1:  Own it!  Declare your state of mind.  Be bold, and say it outloud, “I’m overwhelmed!”

No. 2:  Walk away.  Yes, that’s right, walk away from overwhelm, nothing will happen, the world will not end, and you will not explode into a gazillion little pieces.

No. 3:  Unpack the feelings.  Overwhelm is only the bubble wrap and you have to unwrap it to see what is of any value.

No. 4:  Get down off that ledge!  Give yourself some time, distance, and quiet.

When you are overwhelmed not only your brain needs a break, but your body also needs a break.  Overwhelm signals a ‘perceived threat’ and your body is part of the warning system.  You may find your heart racing or flip-flopping, your breathing may get rapid, you may get all sweaty or shaky, you could develop a headache, feel nauseated, or some icky combination of the above!

So to recap… Own it (I’m overwhelmed!!!); Walk away (tea and cake);  Unpack the feelings (get to the nitty gritty);  Get off that ledge! (phew)

Now you want to stay off that ledge!  So once you have had 10-20 minutes of absolute chill time (doing nothing, saying nothing, thinking nothing) and your brain has stopped smoking, get out a pad of paper (no technology you need tactile) and…

No. 5:  Decide.  Write down one small step (yes only one, more is not better)  that you can take to get unstuck.

No. 6:  Do it. 

That’s it.  Now repeat: focus, find the next small step (don’t look any further ahead that’s where overwhelm lurks), do it.  Repeat.

So, one last time (I know I’m repeating myself, but I can’t say it enough) being overwhelmed is not about the stuff it IS all about the feelings.  So what do you need to do?  It’s simple, it’s savvy…it’s simply savvy!  You got it…

Get quiet, find your focus, act.