Highly Sensitive Woman

The experience of living as a highly sensitive woman in a noisy, busy and unrelenting world

THE DECISION and 4D’s of Burnout

August 19, 2026

I’ve been ruminating for a few days on what to write about. It’s never been far from my mind, but my mind has not been cooperating. You see nothing much has been going on. In fact it’s been a very strange Summer indeed.

Mainly what has dominated the Summer has been a series of heatwaves and apparently we can expect more in September. We even had a ‘red alert’ on our mobile phones the other evening. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a deafening siren. My first instinct as a child of the 50s/60s was ‘duck and cover’. Now for some of you who are younger you may not remember duck and cover. Hiding under your desk with your head covered was supposed to save us from a nuclear bomb! We know better now, but apparently the training still held! The Red Alert (!) was to give us advice on avoiding starting a wildfire. Although reasonable advice, this jarring reminder of danger only added to the strangeness of this Summer. Once my heart slowed down, and we had secured Noggie, I started thinking about what it all really meant.

In retrospect I realised how disappointing this Summer has been. It has meant fighting with a garden that for the most part wasn’t going to survive, vegetables that finally got pulled out since there were no fruits of my labour, and changing or cancelling plans and trips due to soaring heat. To me this summer has been clarifying.

I began to think about THE DECISION (as it has come to be known around the house) about whether to return to city living or stay countrified. I was reminded of one of our primary concepts of dealing with burnout…the 4D’s of Burnout. So where was I on this ladder?

I was definitely disappointed, thwarted. Was I discouraged? Absolutely and losing enthusiasm fast. Hmm, okay what about step 3 on the ladder…was I disillusioned? You betcha, definitely feeling defeated.

This was enough to tell me that perhaps the decision is made but we are just hiding in the confusion. Anyway, I took a look at step 4 on the 4Ds ladder just to be sure. Was I disheartened? Not completely but it could become a slippery slope.

However (there is always a glass full moment) knowing the 4Ds lets me retrace my steps on the ladder and find answers to what I truly want and need. Now that is essentially what dealing with burnout is all about.

If you are curious to know more about the 4Ds so that you can use them to help you avoid or deal with burnout you can find them in our next read here on the blog.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka: The Burnout Queens) xx

The 4Ds of Burnout

August 19, 2026

Burnout doesn’t ‘happen’ all at once. Burnout sneaks up on you. The 4 D’s are a progressive ladder of emotions that play a major role in burnout. Apply these to any area of your life and pinpoint where you are on the ‘ladder’ and what you need to do to create change.

No. 1 Disappointed ~

When disappointed you may feel, sad, confused, thwarted, unsatisfied, frustrated, regretful, let-down or even betrayed.

Your hopes or expectations have not been met.

If disappointed you may need a very active response towards the situation or person. Small changes can have a big impact. Look for solutions or change your desired outcome and don’t be afraid to express your disappointment.

No. 2 Discouraged ~

When discouraged you may feel, weary, pessimistic or dejected.

Your confidence and enthusiasm is diminishing be it for a situation, project or even a person.

When you are discouraged it takes more effort to keep looking for different ways forward. The key here is to keep trying and keep going. Look at what you are disappointed in and what isn’t working for you. Take a break from the situation so that you can refocus and recoup your energy.

No. 3 Disillusioned ~

When disillusioned you may feel futile, despondent or defeated.

You are losing sight of your dream, goal or desired outcome. You may start expecting the worst. You are losing your desire to try. It’s ‘as if’ your belief or faith in something or someone is mistaken or unrealistic.

When you are feeling disillusioned you know something is not right. You no longer feel enthusiastic or energetic about what you are doing. You are not even feeling sure about what your goal originally was. You may begin to fear or expect a poor outcome.

You need to retrace your steps back from disillusionment. You need to reconnect with your original desires and goals. Ask yourself if it is still what you want, what (or who) has gotten in your way, and the important question, are you still willing to move towards your goal, regardless.

No. 4 Disheartened ~

When disheartened you feel dispirited, weary or even depressed.

It’s almost too hard to care anymore. You begin to feel indifferent towards the situations, people or experiences. You have lost your usual determination. You feel like you are out of options or resources when it comes to finding a solution.

It takes a lot of energy to respond when you are disheartened because it feels like you have lost the heart and soul of what you were doing. You feel lost. So what do you do? Don’t hide from the truth of how you are feeling. Talk about how you are feeling. Maybe you need help to sort it out. You may have to temporarily or permanently stop the very thing that has brought you to this point.

Remember, even if you are feeling disheartened you can still change. Go back to the beginning of the ladder and retrace your steps. Make whatever small changes you can. Then stop and reevaluate where you are and what you want.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)

Finally, I had arrived…but where?

August 2, 2026

I’m sitting here totally frustrated! My laptop has decided on work to rule and my printer won’t communicate with my laptop! This is all due to an ‘upgrade’ that would be faster, better, quicker, easier. It’s not. I yearn for the ‘old days’ (that would be last week) when all was working just fine and plenty fast enough to get everything done.

So, I ask you Universe (‘cause you can’t talk to a human in the same country) in all sincerity and bewilderment, why does everything have to be quicker, faster, better. Just so you know, I’m not some old fuddy-duddy who wants to go back to the days of dial-up (and before you ask, yes I do remember them but only for a very short time).

We have decades in our lives that are defined by achieving, moving up, doing more, setting one bigger goal after another. I admit I remember when 18-hour days were a badge of honour. I’d arrived…but where? For me it was the land of burnout!

As we get older nature naturally begins to slow us down. Not in some scary way but in a way that encourages us to pursue more relaxation, leisure, softer values, and maybe even eventually retiring from the busyness of work-life.

We can stop trying so hard, pushing through and simply be. We can retire from busyness, hurrying just for the sake of hurrying, saying yes to please others, giving everything to our job (when did work become everything?), putting everyone else’s needs first, or doing things that don’t really matter to you.

As we find a different style of living we go through lots of changes. Some of these changes feel uncomfortable (like playing ‘hooky’ from school) but many of these changes are a welcomed breath of fresh air. With age we have the chance to reflect on what we truly want to do.

Redefining aging, and retirement, means reengaging with newness, change, reflection, beauty, quiet time, friends that ‘get you’, activities that resonate with who you are, new discoveries, adventures, creativity, old dreams, and new dreams.

The big surprise was how easy it was to make these changes, not all at once, but gradually, slowly, savouring each and every new sense of freedom.

The thing I want you to take from this is knowing that in order to find something new you always have to leave something old behind. For me it was a burnout lifestyle.

Cheers, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)xx

The agony of decisions

July 16, 2026

Decisions! Love them or hate them they are omnipresent. Most of the mundane everyday decisions we don’t even notice, like getting up or getting dressed. We make hundreds of these nondescript decisions everyday. It is the ‘other ones’ that have some of us declaring that we ‘can’t make decisions’ and for others feeling frozen like a deer in the headlights!

Some decisions just sit there like a heavy weight.

There is no obvious solution. No right or wrong. Not really even a deadline. I know this. But knowing doesn’t make it any easier. I have even taught theories of decision making at university and one of my ‘famous quotes’ came back at me in a students term paper, “when it comes right down to it, most of us toss a coin”. In my defense, it’s true.

I know there are rarely perfectly clear answers to decisions. Heck, there are no perfect answers at all. And yet I find myself wanting a clear sign from the Universe like a bird flying by holding a sign that says ‘choose this’! One minute I think I know but in the next instance I am arguing (with myself) for the opposite! I’m sure you all know what I mean.

So I try to muster up all the wisdom (giving myself credit here) that I have accumulated over many many years and tell myself to just sit with it, go with the flow, trust the Universe and any other motivational sound bite I can recall.

Despite my best efforts every fibre in my being screams, ‘just decide’! Let me be clear, there is absolutely no time pressure on this decision, only self-induced. I can take as long as it takes to figure it out: days, months, even years.

Still the pressure feels intense and heavy like the air before a thunderstorm. It demands attention.

I have taken many ‘leaps of faith’ in my life: many hold your nose and jump moments when I didn’t have a clue if my decision was ‘right’. So everyday I ask myself why does this decision feel so different? I haven’t figured this out. Only that it is a lesson in patience, trust and faith.

By now you are either glazing over from my indecision or asking what on earth this massive decision is. Well, here it is… After almost 7 years living on the edge of a small village in the countryside, with at times only sheep as neighbours, do we move back to city living or not? (By the way, do you know how loud sheep can be? I didn’t, they are!)

Every decision means an ending and a beginning; letting go of something known and embracing something new.

All I can say is…When l know, I’ll know. When I know, you’ll know. Together we can celebrate the end of the agony of not knowing! In the meantime you can follow our spiral path, every twist and turn, forward, back and begin again!

Until next time, Embrace Life!

Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka: The Burnout Queens) xx

The Many Styles of Highly Sensitive Women | We Are. No apologies.

July 25, 2020

Many years of knowing and working with Highly Sensitive women (and being one myself) has shown me what a diverse group we are. It is nothing short of infuriating to see HSPs portrayed as ‘shrinking violets’ or so vulnerable that they need to take special care when out in the world.

I don’t think I’m the only one that gets annoyed when reading advice suggesting that if you are Highly Sensitive it would be a good idea to notify those around you so that others, at work or at home, can accommodate or make allowances and adjustments for your sensitivities! If that doesn’t set you up to feel ‘different’ in a not-so-good way, or feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with you, I don’t know what would. The attitude of ‘be careful with us’ diminishes us.

We don’t need or want others to ‘be careful with us’ we simply want others to respect who we are, who we were born to be.

Highly Sensitive women are strong, resilient, talented, and quite able to take on the world, thank you very much. We may be quiet and reflective but when we are in full swing, nothing stops us. You may see us as cautious (and truthfully many of us believe we are ‘too’ cautious at times) but we are the members of your team who will see any potential pitfalls or errors, we will ‘cross the T’s and dot the I’s’ so to speak. We see things others do not. Call it intuition, psychic ability, good guessing or enhanced brain waves. Whatever or however you see our ability to read between the lines, you better believe it is real.

Of one thing you can be sure (and proud), whatever we do, we do with heart and soul. And…passion.

Passion fills us with joy. Passion gives us the energy we need to keep going in the face of difficulty. Passion overcomes our fear when we need to fight for what is right and just, two things we passionately believe in.

Without passion we suffocate.

Most people think that anyone who is sensitive is automatically an Introvert. Well, not true. Quite a few highly sensitive individuals are Extroverts and many more are simply able to draw on both their introvert strengths and their extrovert abilities. We are actually very adaptable and flexible! It is true that we often like ‘alone’ time to recharge our batteries, but that does not mean that we are anti-social or fearful of the world at large. It simply means that we love peace and quiet, even solitude. No apologies.

As I write this I am flooded with memories of talented, strong and powerful Highly Sensitive women. So let me sum us up…

We are world travellers.

We are techies.

We are artists and performers.

We are scientists.

We are daughters, sisters, mums, and grandmothers.

We are partners.

We are leaders.

We are philosophers.

We are environmentalists.

We are animal rights activists.

We are healers.

We are wise women.

We are.

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

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