Highly Sensitive Women are often inwardly analytic (we can’t help ourselves), but sometimes it doesn’t work in our favour. In fact, it backfires on us and we are left wondering “how the heck does this keep happening?”
I’ll use this cute, manipulative little face from The Burnout Pup as a case in point (stick with me, my mind is strangely creative). She’s waiting for her dinner and begging in her very cute way. It’s hard to ignore, but I don’t want to give into her demands when it’s too early for her dinner (guilty mummy moment). How can I say ‘no’ to that face? I feel like a meany and then I think (in HSP analysing mode now) why am I feeling like I should change the rules for her…perhaps I’m being too harsh… maybe she’s really hungry… why am I being so unreasonable… no really I should stay strong. On and on the circle of reasoning and guilt goes, till I’m tired and confused from thinking.
Wait a minute now…this sound like many of my clients (HSP creative mind thinking in loop-de-loops)! They want to stand firm in their opinion, the trouble is when they do, the other person blames or criticises, attacks their character! So my clients end up taking on the responsibility and guilt that isn’t theirs to begin with. They end up feeling so hurt, confused, guilty and lost. “Why is this always my fault” they ask.
Here are 6 accusations that signal it’s someone else’s issue, not yours!
- Why can’t you just go with the flow.
- Why do you always have to be unreasonable.
- Why can’t you be more flexible.
- What’s wrong with you that you can never let this go.
- You’re always such a control freak.
- This isn’t about you, you know.
These are the kind of accusations that send reasonable HSW’s into immediate turmoil upset and analysis. We waffle back and forth, arguing silently with ourselves in an attempt to understand why a conversation and opinion went so sideways and how we ended up feeling guilty and responsible for it.
Stop analysing this. It’s rarely something to feel guilty or responsible for. It’s not yours after all. It’s never been yours! As one wise woman told me (that would be Dr T) “you aren’t even in it!”
Saying no, or contradicting somehow makes others point the finger in our direction, rather than admitting they just don’t like our answer.
So here’s the advice I tell my HSW clients. Think of a back and forth conversation as a back and forth tennis game. If the other side hits the ball to your side of the court and somehow you know that ball has changed colour mid-return or it should have been a foul, then shoot it back across the net where it came from and where it belongs. Don’t let it drop and remain on your side of the court.
If that tennis ball changed colour, you didn’t do it.
If that tennis ball went offside, you didn’t do it.
If you were accused of the sun being in your opponent’s eyes, you didn’t do it!
Do you get the picture?
Yes! Then repeat after me…
this is ‘not’ my responsibility…
this is ‘not’ my problem…
this is ‘not’ about me.
Long-winded story, but it occured to me while I was looking at cutesy pup trying her best to make me change my ways (and feel sorry for her in the mix). I’m not the one trying to sneak dinner early! Nope, this is ‘not’ about me!
Love, The Burnout Queens xx