Everybody can learn from this but a special ‘heads up’ to those of you who are 50+! You see, 50 plus often means 50+ and fried. Burnout doesn’t stop with, shall we say, maturity. Unfortunately it can hound us into our ‘wisdom years’. Here’s why…
One of our main talking points has always been the idea that as women we were Raised and Trained to burnout. Now this concept has been known to raise a few hackles. Mum’s in the audience thought they were getting the ‘mum blame’ thing again and women are sensitive about any criticism of their own mums. That is not our intent. However, we do want you to understand that we are all products of our generations.
Now if you are 50+ you may not be an actual Boomer but you were most likely raised by one. FYI: First wave 1946-1955; second wave 1956-1964.
The Boomer generation experienced a huge cultural shift mid-generation. I think of the divide as the ‘Elvis boomers vs the Beatles boomers’! What didn’t change, however, were the unspoken rules and hidden values that defined women. Here’s where we got caught up in the burnout trap.
Women of ‘boomer parenting’ or being boomers themselves were raised to never need anyone, to not ask for help, to never admit even needing help, or to talk about difficulties or problems. Life was kept private. You weren’t ‘allowed’ to talk about medical/physical issues (including sex), finances, politics or religion. We were raised to be ‘ladies’. So even if you were breaking inside you smiled and summed up your status with these two simple words, “I’M FINE”!
When feminism took root again in the second wave of the boomer generation (1956-1964) not needing help was seen as a badge of merit. Handling life on your own was to be proud of, admired and screamed independence to the world. It didn’t matter though because even though society was changing, the woman’s role was still about looking after everybody else. The inner conflicts kept increasing.
You can see where this is heading. We became people pleasers, had frightful difficulty saying ‘No’ and was always the one being called upon to help. Being a girl still meant standing in the background, being subservient, taking care of everybody, not asserting your own beliefs or values and doing it all with a smile ‘cause after all ‘you were fine’!
But we weren’t ok. We were becoming discouraged, disappointed with life, disillusioned and, let’s not forget, exhausted. A big gap started developing between who we really were and what we really wanted, what we were feeling and thinking and who we were told we ‘should’ be just ‘cause we were girls. We call that the Reality Gap and it is in this gap that burnout finds its roots. We learned it from our mums, they learned it from their mums and on and on it was passed down, and dare I say it, still is.
Burnout in the 50+ club of women is now rampant. They have taken care of everyone in their lives and many still are. They have raised kids and now many raise grand-kids, most of their adult lives they have worked outside of the home and many still are. (Let’s not forget all the work that happens inside the home and always has!) They have been the dutiful caring daughters, and many still are as they add elder care to their portfolio. We musn’t forget that this age group of women were also being affected by the culture shift embodied by the boomer generation and that meant many remained single, chose not to have children, divorced (did you know that Boomers have the highest divorce rate?), and that means they learned to do everything by themselves without (you got it) asking for help! That spells one thing, exhaustion. That spells burnout.
So if this has resonated with you stay tuned because we will be talking a lot more about being 50+ and fried. We hear you, we get you.
With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka THEBURNOUTQUEENS)
