Highly Sensitive Woman

The experience of living as a highly sensitive woman in a noisy, busy and unrelenting world

Cupid Is Getting On My Nerves! | With Love HSPs Can Change The World!

February 12, 2020

Here’s my dilemma, I’ve been sitting at my computer waiting for divine intervention. You see it’s Valentine’s Day and everytime I attempt to write something thoughtful Cupid hijacks my mind with all things red, rosey, and chocolatey! Now I love roses and chocolates as much as the next person but my soul really wants to honour what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about. Simply Love.

One of my all time favourite books is a ‘little’ book called “Love is Letting Go of Fear” by Gerald Jampolsky. Now when I say ‘little’ I mean it’s truly skinny in size but huge in ideas. When I first discovered this tiny gem decades ago, I didn’t get it. I wasn’t ready to get it. So I dismissed it as self-help rubbish! (I humbly apologise for my youthful ignorance.)

Years later, mysteriously, this little book flew off the shelf. I swear it flew off the bookcase with angel’s wings, landing in my unexpecting hands. Blessedly, this time I read it and, more importantly, I got it. (Which is why you should never ever get rid of a book!)

Here is the premise of the book in a nutshell, preferably a hazlenut praline!

You can’t love, be real, or be free when you live in fear.

Why?

Love and fear are mutually exclusive.

You can’t live in fear and love life. You can’t live fearfully and love yourself. Fear makes us feel vulnerable and visible, so we hold ourselves back from loving.

When I fear failure, I can’t love the breathlessness of trying something for the first time.
If I fear success, I can’t love the exhilaration of accomplishment.
When I fear being visible, it is impossible to love the boldness of my creativity.
When I fear not being understood, I cannot love openly and honestly.

I know this is resonating with you…

When I let go of my fear I love my child enough to let them grow and go.
When I let go of fear I watch with love as my partner pursues their dreams.
When I stop fearing loss, I can love with abandon.

Love is quiet, love is gentle, love is big and love is bold…love is all there is (Lennon & McCartney were a true love of this sixties girl!). Love means letting go of fear because fear is inconsequential in the face of pure love.

BE Love.

Join us in the spirit of Valentine’s Day and embrace Love. Each day for the next week let love show its power through your words and actions. Find a way, small or big, to be love. Face the fear that stops you from experiencing and expressing the ‘you that is Love’.

Love means letting go of fear. Go ahead, be bold, be love.

With love’s power us HSPs can change the world.

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

The HSP Fear Factor! | Your Pause To Check Advantage

October 12, 2019

Here is my confession fellow HSPs… I’m cautious and I make no apologies for it. For me being Highly Sensitive comes with its own ‘fear factor’. I also know that fear no longer makes me feel powerless. I will never again be held hostage by my fears. As long as I stay in touch with my highly sensitive fear factor I can trust myself to take risks, have adventures, get out into the world and get on with living.

Accepting and embracing my HSP fear factor means
I’m free to defy ordinary!

I haven’t always enjoyed this freedom. My mum used to say, “I won’t live in fear” and I (being small and impressionable) believed this was how ‘larger than life’ I should be! My natural HSP cautiousness made it hard to live up to that belief.

Over time I began to feel ashamed about being fearful (and that was pretty darn often). Fear made me feel weak, sometimes ‘crazy’ and wrong, very wrong. Instead of trusting my fear I lived with constant stress, worry, anxiety and eventually panic attacks. That was the result of losing my natural, innate connection to fear and trying so hard to “not live in fear”.

Then I read a book that changed my relationship with fear, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (Little, Brown & Company,1997) and it truly was a gift. From that day forward I have recommended this book to every woman I have had the honour of knowing and working with.

I began to understand that living with fear day in and day out was creating white noise that everything was filtered through. With all that inner static I didn’t know when to be afraid and when not to.

Fear is involuntary…worry & anxiety are choices.

It wasn’t easy to recognise and change my fear factor. Fear has many disguises! I began by asking myself questions about my fear on a regular basis and as I did the inner static began to subside:

Is anything bad happening right now?
Are the knots & butterflies in my stomach about anything real?
Do I need to be afraid?

Fear is anticipatory. Fear in and of itself is a warning that something bad might happen. This gem changed my relationship with fear. Pause and let this revolutionary thought sink in.

If I am feeling fear nothing is happening at this moment!

If you are slightly perplexed by this new way of conceptualizing fear a couple of my own experiences might make it clearer. I looked up and saw a car heading straight for us. I felt Fear (yes with a capital F). In the next second fear was gone. Why? I was in action, responding to the actuality of the accident by extricating myself from the car. Here’s another: it was 2am and a very loud invasion-type burglary begins at the front door! I woke in absolute terror. Then I was on my feet, on the phone, and although my heart was pounding I didn’t have time to feel the actual fear. (Just so you know it was the next door office!) We don’t need to be afraid of fear, we need to listen to it.

Fear can make you second guess everything about yourself.

Fear keeps you clinging tightly to the old instead of being open to the unfamiliar and unexpected. When we don’t understand fear, life begins to revolve around our fear. Fear stops us from taking chances, stops us from being creative, and stops us from chasing our dreams. Fear stopped me from truly being myself.

Fear rules when you burnout!

Fear plays a major part in burnout. You can’t get over burnout when you live in fear. Fear makes us tighten the reigns, push harder, try to get more control over life and those around us. We are fearful we are going to be ‘discovered’ and found lacking, fearful we can’t keep going, fearful ‘it’s’ never going to change, fearful for our health, our relationships and fearful we are ‘ruining’ our life. Fear keeps us trapped in the same old patterns that led to burnout in the first place, patterns like perfectionism, people pleasing, and trying to be everything to everyone.

I used to curse my ‘overly’ cautious nature: I was embarrassed by it! For years my fear caused me shame. Now I cherish my Highly Sensitive pause-to-check advantage. My natural intuition, coupled with a dose of healthy HSP caution, gives me the time and ability to assess and consider whether the fear I am feeling is relevant and imminent… or simply white noise. Now that’s an advantage I can use!

Until Next Time…Defy Ordinary!

P.S. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

Getting Beyond The Paycheck | Value-Based Work for HSPs

August 3, 2019

Last month in our BOQ article, Living Your Values – Simplify Life and Avoid Burnout, we explored the importance of living your Values in everyday life. So, what happens when you spend every working day in an environment that is out-of-sync with your deepest values?

It can get serious, you could find yourself asking ‘why’ you get up in the morning. You may eventually reach the point of having to leave a job or a career because you can no longer tolerate the mismatch between your values and your work.

Working in accordance with the values you hold most deeply is absolutely essential to the health, happiness, and inner-harmony of anyone who is Highly Sensitive. Not doing so most often leads to stress, anxiety, illness, burnout and a multitude of emotions ranging from frustration to sadness and regret.

Work that denies your values eventually empties your soul.

It’s not always easy working and building a career that remains truthful to your values. Being value-driven requires difficult and at times unpopular choices, decisions, and directions. The corporate world is often at odds with the values of HSPs.

Business models are usually one of two types: values or bottom-line. These days bottom line thinking is by far the more popular approach. For HSPs, who are mainly value-driven, a corporate environment based solely on economics where even employees are treated like inventory feels bereft of value.

I did one of numerous ‘residencies’ in a psychiatric programme whose values (or lack of them) were completely at odds with my own. (Before you ask, I needed the hours!) Even though it was a hospital, bottom-line economics ruled. Waiting lists were ‘padded’ so funding remained intact. As for philosophy, I believe people can and will change and ‘they’ believed they would ‘always’ be sick to some degree. Let’s just say square peg-round hole!

I put in my 1,500+ hours, and ran for my life and reputation. I paid the price, my health failed, my spirit felt bruised and broken and my knees buckled under the weight of burnout. I did learn to never compromise my values in my career again. It’s actually hard to put a price on that lesson!

How do you get beyond the paycheck to value-based work?

Workplace values exist on more than one level. Value-able work isn’t only about the nature of the work. Although we all know that you can’t just ‘go shopping’ for values, when it comes to your career and work, it doesn’t hurt to have a ‘shopping list’ of absolute essentials that you can measure a company or a job against. And remember, don’t limit your list to values only related to product or service.

Ask those tough questions about equality, diversity and morality.

A company’s philosophy or mission says a lot, but values can also be expressed in how employees and customers are treated, the commitment of the company to mentoring and fostering leadership, their belief in being a good corporate citizen of the community, environment and the planet. Finding value in other aspects of your work is important since not everyone is free to up and quit a job. A value based environment can help to fill this gap.

To feel satisfied and successful in work, you have to honour the truth of your values.

It takes courage and conviction to live and work by your values. You may have to make some unpopular choices or take a less than favoured stance against the establishment. In our experience HSPs can often be the target of bullying for this very reason. They are often the ones willing to be the lone voice standing up for what is ‘right’ or legal or moral. HSPs are often the one to stand up for others who they see being treated poorly. Their willingness to take a stand can result in a bullseye on their back: being regarded as a trouble-maker, difficult to get along with, negative, argumentative, not a team-player or (love this one) a ‘drama queen’!

You know your deepest self.
You know what values are sacred to you.

As Highly Sensitive women we need to consciously make the big choice to live and work in deep connection with our values. Living in accordance with these values creates calm, stability and strength in your life, as well as helping you navigate the inevitable challenges along the way.

There will always be difficult and stressful times at work, times when you really have to dig deep. If you are clear about the values that guide your work, you will make choices from a position of integrity, truth, confidence and strength. You will make those choices without apology because you are working from a place of personal power.

Until Next Time…Grab Life by the Crown!

P.S. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

P.S.S. We’re now on Instagram! Our handle is THEBURNOUTQUEENS, of course!

Hello from Lewes & London! 6 July 2019

July 6, 2019

It’s time for fashion, tea, and a crown (we are the Burnout Queens after all).

Our day trip to London’s Victoria & Albert Museum was first class all the way…from first-class train tickets, to a classy tea in the member’s room of the V&A (ah the perks of membership: private, good food, and immaculate table service).

Who doesn’t love fashion of some kind? Well, Dr T & Dr B took a whimsical trip down memory lane when we visited the Mary Quant exhibition. You weren’t a woman of the 60’s without owning something that showed that iconic little black and white logo.

Oh look, her makeup, oh look her fab jumper dresses, oh look the leggings and stockings!!!

Oh goodness we used to look and dress like this! It’s a little disconcerting when you recognise your old wardrobe on display for a vintage exhibition!

We had hoped to take in the Dior Exhibit but the lineup was so long and the wait so hot that we decided to visit the newly refurbished Jewellery Gallery instead. In this instance Plan B did not disappoint because there is bling, bling and more bling from Byzantian jewels to Cartier crowns all in the same room! Everything is stunning and the older the piece, the more decorative and gorgeous. This broach is a ‘chest plate’ for a woman’s bodice (can you imagine the dress), but the special glory of the gallery was Queen Victoria’s sapphire and diamond coronet, commissioned and designed by Prince Albert (there really aren’t adequate words).

Even the entrance to the V&A Museum is grand indeed. We always stop to marvel at the sight of Chihuly’s blown-glass chandelier cascading into a rotunda of marble sculptures. It never gets old, even when everything ‘is’ old.

Sometimes you just have to take a day to wander the museum and discover things you didn’t know existed…like the displays of the little biscuit tins that are precious and adorable. We’ve lost count of our visits to the V&A and we still haven’t seen all the floors and displays! You could get gloriously lost for weeks.

Before we go, we just had to share the full, behind-the-scenes story of Queen Victoria’s tiara. The video is so delightful you will think you had been exploring with us.

Then it was back on the train, happily rolling home and very grateful for those first-class seats! Here’s to first-class delight and enjoyment!

Until our next adventure….

The Big Leap’s initial excitement

July 4, 2019

Our first morning in our new country happened to be JULY 4th! How symbolic for two Canadians to be celebrating our own Independance Day in a country we had held as a dream destination since we were both teenagers. We sat in the local cafe (we had to have the English breakfast) and just watched and took in the vibe of our new neighbourhood. It felt great and we had given ourselves a month to settle into the flow of London while we waited for our container of furniture to arrive.

Arrival date, first rental flat and lucky us it was a dreamy, quirky little up-down with a garden in North London. Welcome home!

It was fun to start decorating and fitting our belongings into a smaller space, making it work, making it feel like home, yet seeing it all in a new way.

We were settling into our adventure with enthusiasm. And of course we found a real passion for ‘taking tea’ wherever we explored. So many options and all the time in the world we kept saying. We’re not on holiday, this is where we live now. Yet it felt like the best holiday ever!

Embracing our new routine and lifestyle. Sunday morning reads & tea

New routines, new locals, new neighbours, new everything. And even though we were in England, everything had different labels, brands and names. Tiring work, so relaxing for tea and a read became our new norm!

Good start at living a Burnout-Free Lifestyle don’t you think?

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

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