How many of you indulge in ‘retro-worry’?  Show of hands please!  We knew it.  Oh my goodness, us Highly Sensitive types are brilliant at retro-worrying, in fact, you could say we take it to an art form!  If you are wondering what on earth I mean by ‘retro-worry’, well, it sounds like this and it just may sound familiar.

Should I have?  What if I had…?  Why didn’t I?  If only I had… Why did I say that?  Why didn’t I say that?  What do you think s/he meant by that?  Why did I do that?  Why didn’t I do that?  Why did I leave that relationship, take that job, die my hair bright green…? 

Retro-worry keeps you stressed and it keeps you stuck.

This wonderful brain of mine can take me back years simply to retro-worry about something that was ‘done and dusted’ long ago.  This creates a problem since all it does is keep me stuck looking over my shoulder.  It’s like driving forward with your gaze stuck on the rear view mirror!

When we retro-worry about the distant past, or even about something yesterday, we get stuck in a loop; we keep retracing our steps only to end up right back where we are now.  This loop never allows us to move forward.  All it does is unnecessarily compound stress and tension, ultimately drain our energy, and lead to feeling over-aroused and overwhelmed.

Goodness knows, there are enough daily stressors in our world without needing to dredge up long-lost ones!

Now here is something that you may not realise about indiscriminate retro- worry, it winds you up.  You may be worrying about something that happened 20 years ago but your body doesn’t know that.  The minute you start into retro-worrying your body swings into action with ‘in the moment’ stress responses.  That’s a no-win situation for your body because it’s making all the appropriate moves to alert you and protect you but nothing is changing; there is no release for all the tension, there is nothing ‘real’ that can be achieved or solved with retro-worry.

Retro-worry creates the kind of anxiety
that you can do nothing about.

When we perceive past events as ‘mistakes’ or ‘stupid follies’ then we are more likely to anticipate future events in the same way.  We would go so far as to say that retro-worrying allows the past to dictate future thinking, for example believing that if you didn’t get something right in the past means you will likely fail at it in the future.  Nonsense we say!  Using retro-worry as a crystal ball seriously affects our sense of who we are; our very sense of Self.  Turn that crystal ball upside down, however, and we learn from our past perceived mistake, evolve our definition of who we are, and move forward with the assumption that if the same type of thing happens in the future we will handle it differently, we will be different.

Getting stuck in the muck of retro-worry
limits your freedom of choice.

You can’t change the past, but you can at this present moment in time, make another choice, take another path. You can learn whatever lessons you can, then look straight ahead and head on out into the future.

Thing is, in most cases, you did the best you could do, made the choice that was ‘right’ at the time. (Of course you all know the BOQs belief: there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ choices, there are simply choices.)  Maybe you could have done something else, said something different, turned a different corner, but if you had truly known that at the time you probably would have done it back then.  I mean, in retrospect would I have bought the bright orange shaggy wool coat from Peru that made me look a little like Big Bird?  (Hey it was the 80s and it felt ‘right’ at the time…really!)

Retro-worrying holds the HSP back.
We bring forward the mistake instead of the learning.

So why discuss retro-worry?  Easy!  From our work we know that HSPs and Peak Performers share characteristics, strengths, and gifts.  Now when Peak Performers revisit and reflect on a ‘fumble’ they learn what went ‘wrong’ so that they can enhance their performance now and in the future.  When an HSP looks back on the ‘fumble’ we tend to focus on any perceived failure, upset, and often get mired in the emotions of how it made us, and anyone else involved, feel…real or not.  We tend to review and relive the mistake, the upset, and most certainly the self-judgement rather than reflecting on the past so that we can learn, grow, and let it go.

As HSPs we all need to learn to make the distinction between reflection (which we love and do so well) and retro-worry (which we hate but do so well!).  We need to create healthy boundaries between these two vistas.  Honouring this distinction allow us to harness all that energy that gets stuck in retro-worrying and use it to move forward in our lives, forward toward our dreams.  So, our lovely Burnout Queens, repeat after us…

Learn, grow, and let it go!

Until Next Time…Grab Life by the Crown!

P.S.  The BOQs would love to hear from you!  Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below. 

Quick, check your lingerie drawer!  If you find red knickers and a cape, you may be a Super-Coper.  You leap tall buildings in 4-inch heels, catapult over the glass ceiling, and perform acrobatic feats while juggling small children and grown adults alike!  Sure you may feel like you are walking a tightrope or precariously dangling from a trapeze, but no one else would ever catch-on because you are a Super-Coper.

So how can you tell if you have a super-heroine tucked away inside you?  Of course, the red knickers and cape is a dead give away!  After that (hmmm) you are likely female, probably a perfectionist, and most definitely the overly responsible one!  Super-copers are expected to handle it all…so they do.

Super-Copers rarely ask for help, never give-up, and make it all look astoundingly easy.

Here’s another thing, Super-Copers defy gravity!  It’s true (cross my heart) they have bounce.  They rarely, if ever, fall flat on their face despite the fact that their knees may be buckling under the load or they are teetering on the edge of burnout.

Most of us grew-up admiring super-heroines, who didn’t want to be Wonder Woman?  (I mean talk about an exciting lifestyle and BIG hair!)  However, if we have to get real here, (yes, my love, I’m afraid we have to) there are definitely drawbacks to being a Super-Coper.

For instance, not everyone loves a Super-Coper.  (Gasp!)  We know, hard to imagine,  what’s not to love about us.  Others want us to shoulder the load, sometimes demand that we shoulder the load, but then get a little cranky when we make it look ‘too’ easy.   Sometimes others perceive us as a ‘Little Miss Smarty Pants’ and resent the fact that we appear to handle it all effortlessly (sigh, we know differently).

No one sees the middle of the night worrying
about pulling it all off again tomorrow.

Super-Copers do whatever is necessary to solve problems, meet deadlines, or handle emergencies.  They don’t fall to their knees under the weight, they don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves, they don’t moan, winge, or whine, and they don’t beat their chest in the midst of a crisis.  (Usually because they’re too busy holding everyone else up and solving all their problems!) 

You won’t know when a Super-Coper is over-extended:
they often don’t know it themselves.

That is why it can be risky being a Super-Coper.  While you are busy being-all and doing-all you miss your own signs of exhaustion, overwhelm, or even illness.  Sometimes you simply ignore the signs because you believe you have no choice but to shoulder the load.

When you’re finally done, when you get the chance to catch your breath, the emotional impact hits.  We call this the Super-Coper Post-Party Crash.  You finally come down from the rush of stress hormones.  You may start feeling shaky, anxious, overwhelmed, or even sad or depressed.  You may even catch a cold or flu.  You most definitely end-up exhausted and depleted.

Here’s where it goes south, over-coping is so completely normal to you that you misinterpret this normal post-stress reaction as you ‘not handling things’ or as a sign of weakness which sends you running back to your wardrobe only to emerge wearing, you got it darling, red knickers and a cape!  Oh dear, you can see how the whole Super-Coper thing backfires!

You have been raised and trained to be a Super-Coper.  Family, friends, co-workers, pretty well everyone, have relied on you over and over again to be their super-heroine.  We would be willing to bet our crowns that you have filled this role from the time you were very young.  Even if you have been annoited the Super-Coper, you don’t have to agree to handle everything.

The time has come to be bold.  Stop letting others put you in this box, even when it comes gift-wrapped.

If you are a Burnout Queen you naturally have great problem solving skills and emotional fortitude.  You have life-coping skills that others don’t necessarily have or use.  You are strong.  There are just a few little gems you need to learn like setting limits for others, refusing requests, or letting others handle their own situations or problems. (Now that’s revolutionary!)

Being a Super-Coper is pretty special.  However, you need to recognise when you have donned your cape and gone over the top!

Being Super-Copers ourselves has allowed us to navigate some pretty steep slopes in life; our secret to preventing burnout in our lives is knowing how, when, where, and for whom to use our super-powers.

So, my love, go ahead embrace being a Super-Coper but please, promise no more leaping over tall buildings or saving the world!

Our last words of wisdom?  Lose the cape Darling but keep the red knickers because, you know, Burnout Queens live to defy ordinary!

Until Next Time…Grab Life by the Crown!

P.S.  The BOQs would love to hear from you!  Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below. 

Back in May we promised we would share three hidden barriers that can stop you from achieving all you want in your life including more balance, success, peace of mind, and less burnout.  We named Ambivalence as the first hidden barrier.  Ambivalence hides in the shadows of self-doubt.  Although by it’s very definition it’s ‘wishy-washy’ it can become a huge personal obstacle.  Well, my darling BOQ, not any more.  You know what to do when it comes to Ambivalence.

The second hidden barrier set to derail lifestyle plans comes from the inner impact change has.  For many Highly Sensitive sorts BIG change brings on an Identity Quake.  Wondering “Who will I be when I change?”  can be  particularly unnerving!

So, it is time for the third hidden barrier.  Ever heard the saying ‘misery loves company’?  Sadly, not everyone will cheer you on when you decide to upgrade your life plans.  Some of those around you will unconsciously attempt (and a few knowingly attempt) to keep you stuck in your old lifestyle.  Don’t underestimate how the opinions of others can affect your plans…pro or con.

We call it the ‘Cheerleader Dilemma’. 

Oh, they want to cheer you on but it’s that old fear of change.  Fear of you changing creates fear in them; fear that you are going to leave them in the dust!  In some ways their fears are grounded in reality.  Things, and you, won’t necessarily be the same and that creates tension.

Some people close to you will tell themselves (and probably tell you as well!) that they are saving you from yourself.  They truly believe they have your best interests at heart.  They want to save you from making a mistake, failing, or suffering a big disappointment.  It’s lovely that they want to protect you but it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Life changes can pose a threat to friends and colleagues…and then there is family!

Families live via a family script.  Each and every member of the family is expected to follow that script, often without question.  It is assumed that everyone is in the same story, on the same page, and expecting the same ending.

What do you mean you want to change the whole plot line?

Even when the only part of the story you want to rewrite is yours it can trigger family discontent.  So, forewarned is forearmed, don’t be surprised or put-off if your rewrite isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms.

As you explore your new moves some people will come right out and tell you that you are being ‘naiive, unrealistic, selfish, or that you simply want too (there’s that word!) much’.  Others will be more, shall we say, subtle with their opinions.  Whatever their style of delivery the underlying message is the same,

When YOU change you upset MY world.

Well, they are right, the status quo is definitely changing and that is called life.  Being Highly Sensitive means you always take others feelings into account and you always give a ton of thought to every change you undertake.  Less than supportive messages from those you care about can trigger self-doubt, churn up your fears, and lead you to question whether you truly want or deserve the change you are after.

Well, my love, it is your life and your change so carry on!  Here is a super simple and very practical tip (and one that the BOQs have personally used time and time again).  Don’t just read it and think, “Yeah that’s a good idea!”  Do it and you will thank us, promise.

Write a short ‘explanation’ of the changes you are going to make.  Include why you want and/or need to make such a change.  Now practice.  Repeat your explanation out loud, over and over.  When the inevitable challenges and questions come, and they will, you will be ready with your answer.  Answer once and move on.  Do not deviate from your prepared response.  No apologies needed.  Do not rationalise your answer and definitely do not justify your answer.  You do not have to prove yourself to anyone.

Of course, not all the messages you get from others will be negative.  There will be true and cherished cheerleaders waving you on towards success.  Trust them. Believe in them believing in you.  It is great to have fans, supporters, and  believers.  It buoys you up when your own courage wobbles.  So, our darling BOQs, onward…

This is your life you are changing.  Do it your way.  Your style.  Here’s to your success.

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

PS:  If you want to review the last 2 Feature Articles mentioned above click here:

What Keeps You Tap-Dancing Around Success?  Ambivalence…That’s What!  https://theburnoutqueens.com/tap-dancing-success-ambivalence/

Tired of Playing Hide and Seek With Your Potential?  The HSP Identity-Quake. https://theburnoutqueens.com/hsp-identity-quake/