How many of you indulge in ‘retro-worry’? Show of hands please! We knew it. Oh my goodness, us Highly Sensitive types are brilliant at retro-worrying, in fact, you could say we take it to an art form! If you are wondering what on earth I mean by ‘retro-worry’, well, it sounds like this and it just may sound familiar.
Should I have? What if I had…? Why didn’t I? If only I had… Why did I say that? Why didn’t I say that? What do you think s/he meant by that? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Why did I leave that relationship, take that job, die my hair bright green…?
Retro-worry keeps you stressed and it keeps you stuck.
This wonderful brain of mine can take me back years simply to retro-worry about something that was ‘done and dusted’ long ago. This creates a problem since all it does is keep me stuck looking over my shoulder. It’s like driving forward with your gaze stuck on the rear view mirror!
When we retro-worry about the distant past, or even about something yesterday, we get stuck in a loop; we keep retracing our steps only to end up right back where we are now. This loop never allows us to move forward. All it does is unnecessarily compound stress and tension, ultimately drain our energy, and lead to feeling over-aroused and overwhelmed.
Goodness knows, there are enough daily stressors in our world without needing to dredge up long-lost ones!
Now here is something that you may not realise about indiscriminate retro- worry, it winds you up. You may be worrying about something that happened 20 years ago but your body doesn’t know that. The minute you start into retro-worrying your body swings into action with ‘in the moment’ stress responses. That’s a no-win situation for your body because it’s making all the appropriate moves to alert you and protect you but nothing is changing; there is no release for all the tension, there is nothing ‘real’ that can be achieved or solved with retro-worry.
Retro-worry creates the kind of anxiety
that you can do nothing about.
When we perceive past events as ‘mistakes’ or ‘stupid follies’ then we are more likely to anticipate future events in the same way. We would go so far as to say that retro-worrying allows the past to dictate future thinking, for example believing that if you didn’t get something right in the past means you will likely fail at it in the future. Nonsense we say! Using retro-worry as a crystal ball seriously affects our sense of who we are; our very sense of Self. Turn that crystal ball upside down, however, and we learn from our past perceived mistake, evolve our definition of who we are, and move forward with the assumption that if the same type of thing happens in the future we will handle it differently, we will be different.
Getting stuck in the muck of retro-worry
limits your freedom of choice.
You can’t change the past, but you can at this present moment in time, make another choice, take another path. You can learn whatever lessons you can, then look straight ahead and head on out into the future.
Thing is, in most cases, you did the best you could do, made the choice that was ‘right’ at the time. (Of course you all know the BOQs belief: there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ choices, there are simply choices.) Maybe you could have done something else, said something different, turned a different corner, but if you had truly known that at the time you probably would have done it back then. I mean, in retrospect would I have bought the bright orange shaggy wool coat from Peru that made me look a little like Big Bird? (Hey it was the 80s and it felt ‘right’ at the time…really!)
Retro-worrying holds the HSP back.
We bring forward the mistake instead of the learning.
So why discuss retro-worry? Easy! From our work we know that HSPs and Peak Performers share characteristics, strengths, and gifts. Now when Peak Performers revisit and reflect on a ‘fumble’ they learn what went ‘wrong’ so that they can enhance their performance now and in the future. When an HSP looks back on the ‘fumble’ we tend to focus on any perceived failure, upset, and often get mired in the emotions of how it made us, and anyone else involved, feel…real or not. We tend to review and relive the mistake, the upset, and most certainly the self-judgement rather than reflecting on the past so that we can learn, grow, and let it go.
As HSPs we all need to learn to make the distinction between reflection (which we love and do so well) and retro-worry (which we hate but do so well!). We need to create healthy boundaries between these two vistas. Honouring this distinction allow us to harness all that energy that gets stuck in retro-worrying and use it to move forward in our lives, forward toward our dreams. So, our lovely Burnout Queens, repeat after us…
Learn, grow, and let it go!
Until Next Time…Grab Life by the Crown!
P.S. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.