balance

Do we stop seeing danger in everyday ordinary?

October 31, 2026

A wise woman raised a very thought provoking idea in her recent post: can something in life become so familiar that we stop seeing it for what it is. As strange as it sounds, do we stop seeing ‘danger’ in the everyday ordinary? I really had to think hard about this and then it became crystal clear.

As you know by now, we are struggling with ‘The Big Decision’ (it had to be bolded ‘cause as I write this I hear a booming game show voice in my head) do we stick with country living or become townies again? As I write this I hear hunters up in the fields. Everytime I hear a volley of shots my heart stops for that moment and I want to cry. Clearly I am not made out of country stuff!

Having said that, almost daily we tell ourselves that maybe, just maybe, we should stay on here. Why??? What became clear today is that the familiar ‘Here’ means security. The Estate we lease from isn’t going to sell off property after hundreds of years of tenants. If we move to a city we are back to a riskier situation. Everybody thinks you should own a house but renting has allowed us to live in different places, each with their individual pros and cons. Some we loved and some not so much. We never feared moving on, in fact we rather relished it. It was part of the original grand plan when we moved from Canada to the UK. Ten years or so of big city living and then another 10 years or so of country living.

We forget that our decision making didn’t take a ‘wrong’ turn!

My head shouts, “How could we have made such a stupid decision?” My heart whispers, “Of course you didn’t it was an opportunity to try something new”. My head counters with, “Another bad decision means you should be fearful of the next”. Yes, every time we venture into this decision making journey the safety of the familiar rears it’s head and we retreat toward ‘knowing’. The ‘danger’ is that settling for something only because it is safe and familiar means accepting, no quibbles, what it actually means to you.

As winter settles in here the decision becomes all about timing. Winter is not our favourite season as we experienced many losses in past winters. Then add the practicalities of winter in the country! We will have to rely on planning a new stage of life and lots of patience to get us through the coming dark days.

Acceptance can be difficult especially when you stop seeing the danger in settling for something that no longer fits. Safety comes from being honest with yourself and trusting your inner knowing even if at times you don’t like what it is telling you! And that’s just it.

With Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka The Burnout Queens)

The 50+ woman’s burnout

October 22, 2026

Everybody can learn from this but a special ‘heads up’ to those of you who are 50+! You see, 50 plus often means 50+ and fried. Burnout doesn’t stop with, shall we say, maturity. Unfortunately it can hound us into our ‘wisdom years’. Here’s why…

One of our main talking points has always been the idea that as women we were Raised and Trained to burnout. Now this concept has been known to raise a few hackles. Mum’s in the audience thought they were getting the ‘mum blame’ thing again and women are sensitive about any criticism of their own mums. That is not our intent. However, we do want you to understand that we are all products of our generations.

Now if you are 50+ you may not be an actual Boomer but you were most likely raised by one. FYI: First wave 1946-1955; second wave 1956-1964.

The Boomer generation experienced a huge cultural shift mid-generation. I think of the divide as the ‘Elvis boomers vs the Beatles boomers’! What didn’t change, however, were the unspoken rules and hidden values that defined women. Here’s where we got caught up in the burnout trap.

Women of ‘boomer parenting’ or being boomers themselves were raised to never need anyone, to not ask for help, to never admit even needing help, or to talk about difficulties or problems. Life was kept private. You weren’t ‘allowed’ to talk about medical/physical issues (including sex), finances, politics or religion. We were raised to be ‘ladies’. So even if you were breaking inside you smiled and summed up your status with these two simple words, “I’M FINE”!

When feminism took root again in the second wave of the boomer generation (1956-1964) not needing help was seen as a badge of merit. Handling life on your own was to be proud of, admired and screamed independence to the world. It didn’t matter though because even though society was changing, the woman’s role was still about looking after everybody else. The inner conflicts kept increasing.

You can see where this is heading. We became people pleasers, had frightful difficulty saying ‘No’ and was always the one being called upon to help. Being a girl still meant standing in the background, being subservient, taking care of everybody, not asserting your own beliefs or values and doing it all with a smile ‘cause after all ‘you were fine’!

But we weren’t ok. We were becoming discouraged, disappointed with life, disillusioned and, let’s not forget, exhausted. A big gap started developing between who we really were and what we really wanted, what we were feeling and thinking and who we were told we ‘should’ be just ‘cause we were girls. We call that the Reality Gap and it is in this gap that burnout finds its roots. We learned it from our mums, they learned it from their mums and on and on it was passed down, and dare I say it, still is.

Burnout in the 50+ club of women is now rampant. They have taken care of everyone in their lives and many still are. They have raised kids and now many raise grand-kids, most of their adult lives they have worked outside of the home and many still are. (Let’s not forget all the work that happens inside the home and always has!) They have been the dutiful caring daughters, and many still are as they add elder care to their portfolio. We musn’t forget that this age group of women were also being affected by the culture shift embodied by the boomer generation and that meant many remained single, chose not to have children, divorced (did you know that Boomers have the highest divorce rate?), and that means they learned to do everything by themselves without (you got it) asking for help! That spells one thing, exhaustion. That spells burnout.

So if this has resonated with you stay tuned because we will be talking a lot more about being 50+ and fried. We hear you, we get you.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka THEBURNOUTQUEENS)

Who did YOU want to be?

August 31, 2026

Are there times it seems like ‘Who You Are’ has been shaped by the opinions of others? You are not far off the truth and it begins from the time your little feeties touch the earth. We are raised to believe that the opinions of others count for more than our own opinions. We are taught to listen to parents, siblings, teachers, friends, religious mentors and many other influences (or should I say influencers these days). Of course, the wisdom and guidance of others has a genuine place in our development, The problem is that over time we forget that…

Others opinions are simply that, others opinions.

When society convinces us that ‘Who We Are’ is determined by others, we end up outsourcing our self-identity, our self-approval and finally our all-important self-worth. We spend so much time trying to be what someone else wants that we shrink, become invisible and ultimately stop believing in ourself.

Our authentic/true/real/essential Self gets lost amidst all that external noise. Like a mirror that has lost its true reflection we no longer see who we were born to be.

We stop knowing what is ‘right’ for us and what is ‘wrong’. We end up in relationships that don’t fit, jobs that don’t work, and careers that pinch like bad shoes. We learn how to ignore our natural talents, to change our very person, even physically, to meet the opinions (read needs) of someone else. Worse still, we lose our desire to contribute to the world in a way that honours and values who we were born to be. And that, my dears, is the biggest contributor to burnout. But all is not lost…

Start with this one simple question: Who did YOU want to be when you grew up?

This single question can point the way back to your beautiful authentic Self and set you on the path to a burnout-free lifestyle.

With love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev (aka: The Burnout Queens) xx