frazzled

An HSP opinion of being gracious

June 13, 2016

If someone shares their dream, vision, or idea with you and you see they are clearly excited …

What do you do? How do you respond? What do you say?

When I share my enthusiasm about starting a new venture, challenging myself personally, or uprooting my life, I am generally met with great curiosity, support and love from those around me (except my mother of course, but darlings, that’s a whole other story).

I’ve also met those who are shocked that I will do what I say I want to do “Oh, you mean you’re actually going to Do this (incredulous tone required!) and then

I’ve met those who feel the deep need to be negative, warn you and wonder what’s gotten into you lately? (omg, I know someone who hated what you’re about to do). Why must they warn me or save me from my own choices I wonder? Can’t they just be happy for me?

So I have to ask, what is the cost of being gracious, even if their choice isn’t yours?

Here’s my best advice the next time someone shares their hopes and dreams with you…

Think before you share and offer

Grace if you must speak.

In love and support

The Burnout Queens xx

My Boss Bunked Off Work!

June 9, 2016

I have choice at my company. It’s a flexible workplace so if it’s sunny out I can go out and enjoy my day with a mind to work on another day.

Deciding is often easier because I ask the same questions my boss asks. Don’t ask what you should do, but what you want to do.

Decision made.. 2 bosses (hey because I’m one) bunked off work the other day and were found browsing the North Laines (well one had a hair appointment so we made a morning of it). We both love working this way. Then we were back in the afternoon ready to write and create.

This is truly an example of how to ‘think aside’. When we are away from the desk, the minds start to expand and think in a different way. Out of the confines of the office (even if they are beautiful) allows thoughts to come more naturally.

This kind of day…doing something I want…definitely gets the creative juices going (including this post) over coffee and jam doughnuts.

How can you create a ‘thinking aside’ moment in your work life that suits you and your company?

Love, The Burnout Queens, xx

My BFF ‘Denial’ Made Me Burn Out…so we fell out!

June 6, 2016

Meet my BFF Denial. She has helped me in so many ways throughout my life, both personally and in my business. I could always count on Denial to get me through any busy-ness or crisis. We were so close she knew what I wanted before I did! Now that’s friendship (or so I thought)!

It turns out that having a friend like Denial on my side was my ticket to becoming a reluctant Burnout Queen!

Denial was by my side when I was building my psychology practice. In a year the business grew to six-figures and our expertise was sought after! Fabulous, but it came with a price. When I was working day and night, over-stretched and over-stressed with all the hours of patients, meetings, on top of my PhD research, Denial encouraged me to:

ignore my body’s aches and pains,
keep my head down and keep going
ignore the urge to take a break and ‘grab’ dinner
stay focused on completing the task, project, obligation no matter what.

All I wanted to do was give in. I felt weak; I just needed to go home and get some sleep. Denial was my rock-solid support. She urged me to dig in, work harder, push through and not lift my head until it was done. I was exhausted and dazed but thanks to her support and driving force, deadlines were met and success secured!

Denial was there for me again when I was feeling unwell with heart palpitations, migraines and serious injuries after a major car accident. She would whisper in my ear, “You don’t have time to be sick. You’ve got to keep going for everybody.” She kept me going…visiting my Dad in hospital, making sure my elderly Mum had groceries, keeping the house perfectly clean, and never missing a day of work. She was absolutely right, there was no time for my own health.

Just keep going, dig deeper, plod on girlfriend!

What a friend. Denial secured my reputation as kind, helpful and always there for everyone, (just the way my Mother had taught me) to my detriment.

Then one day, out of the blue (or so I thought), I fell asleep on the kitchen floor while feeding the cat. Four hours later, with the cat looking bemused at me from his vantage point, my BFF Denial was nowhere to be found! She had thrown me under the bus! She had become someone else’s BFF in an instant.

Without Denial, I had no voice to tell me to ignore myself; no cheerleader to give me the push to keep going. I wanted to run away. Without Denial by my side my world suddenly seemed insurmountable. I couldn’t escape the facts anymore as I began to see the truth of how burnt-out I was!

Physically, I didn’t feel well.
I was so exhausted I didn’t want to face another day.
I was snippy & snappy with everyone who wanted something from me (Didn’t they see I wasn’t well?).
I could no longer pull ‘it’ out of my hat and keep going (energy bunny had abandoned me too!).
I was gutted, exhausted, and ashamed that I looked inept and weak (after all I was a therapist who could cope).

Here’s the good news!

It was the best thing that could have happened to me when Denial disappeared. I was forced to acknowledge myself in small ways and big ways. I learned to meet obligations and responsibilities on my terms. I began to make decisions, choices, and plans that suited my needs first and foremost.

It had to start with me! As I listened to my body and my soul I began to understand…

when to take a few minutes to breathe,
when and whom to say ‘No’ to (there are many ways to do this I have found),
how to get my health back on track (and keep it there),
how to regain and sustain my energy,
my need to sleep, to eat, and to respect and honour what I need throughout my day.

Now I have a new BFF and her name is ‘Aware’ and she is nothing like ‘Denial’. Aware listens to my inner voice. She knows when I’ve had enough, and she knows when to reach for that extra dream. She responds to my spirit.

Aware gently taps my shoulder and says,

“You are priority one. Without you there isn’t much else”.

Aware has made me realise that when I take care of myself my business works better and I have a better quality of life and love.

If you find yourself in the company of Denial, don’t be afraid or ashamed to walk away from that ‘friendship’ with conviction. Head on over to self-awareness and honesy, trust us it’s more invigorating than scarey. When you team up with Aware you open yourself up to all the possibilities and dreams that happen when you live waaayyyy beyond burnout.

Cheers to finding new friends! The Burnout Queens xx

[The Burnout Queens wrote this article as a guest blog for The Girls Mean Business]

Spring Cleaning HSP-style

May 26, 2016

When Spring arrived, everyone was talking about spring-cleaning the house, the garden, washing the car, mending the curtains and fixing the fence! All of that sounds lovely and inspiring and encouraging. It will make us feel better to put the new paint on the walls, get the old out and make room for the new.

Of course, that got me thinking. All those make-overs outside ourselves will make us happier and feel more organised, but dear one, what if we take that concept and apply it just to little-old-you! Have you spring cleaned your life yet?

Yes, let’s spring clean you! Whoosh that sounds kinda weird, but before you get offended, why not try freshening your ‘self’ up this spring.

Spring may be the perfect time to take stock of yourself and give a heave-hoe to the old stuff and a welcome mat to the new!

Here are 8 challenges that will give you and your life a fresh-air newness.

Challenge your brain. Make a new routine to your day.
Challenge your emotions. Create new rituals (not chores) that you enjoy.
Challenge your spirit. Clear your energy by saying kinder things to you and others (get rid of the swearing and cursing, it doesn’t become a queen).
Challenge your perspective. Look for positives in your life and bin the negatives.
Challenge your heart. Send your outworn styles to charity. Give some other woman less fortunate the opportunity to feel beautiful.
Challenge your creativity. Make a beautiful space, even if it’s a little corner or small surface. Air freshener that makes you smile, candle that calms, colours you love, most classy-comfy armchair to curl up in.
Challenge your self. Take pictures of yourself and see what others see. If you don’t like what you see, change her!
Challenge your desire. Start a piggy-bank for anything you want it to be for. Keep investing in your dream, who knows when that little piggy will crack!

Remember you need to put yourself on the spring clean list every year, along with all the household cleaning. What better way to ensure you feel alive and invigorated again. After all, isn’t that what Spring is all about?

Challenge You. Clear the clutter and feel the freedom!

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

The Infamous HSP Tennis Game

May 24, 2016

Highly Sensitive Women are often inwardly analytic (we can’t help ourselves), but sometimes it doesn’t work in our favour. In fact, it backfires on us and we are left wondering “how the heck does this keep happening?”

I’ll use this cute, manipulative little face from The Burnout Pup as a case in point (stick with me, my mind is strangely creative). She’s waiting for her dinner and begging in her very cute way. It’s hard to ignore, but I don’t want to give into her demands when it’s too early for her dinner (guilty mummy moment). How can I say ‘no’ to that face? I feel like a meany and then I think (in HSP analysing mode now) why am I feeling like I should change the rules for her…perhaps I’m being too harsh… maybe she’s really hungry… why am I being so unreasonable… no really I should stay strong. On and on the circle of reasoning and guilt goes, till I’m tired and confused from thinking.

Wait a minute now…this sound like many of my clients (HSP creative mind thinking in loop-de-loops)! They want to stand firm in their opinion, the trouble is when they do, the other person blames or criticises, attacks their character! So my clients end up taking on the responsibility and guilt that isn’t theirs to begin with. They end up feeling so hurt, confused, guilty and lost. “Why is this always my fault” they ask.

Here are 6 accusations that signal it’s someone else’s issue, not yours!

Why can’t you just go with the flow.
Why do you always have to be unreasonable.
Why can’t you be more flexible.
What’s wrong with you that you can never let this go.
You’re always such a control freak.
This isn’t about you, you know.

These are the kind of accusations that send reasonable HSW’s into immediate turmoil upset and analysis. We waffle back and forth, arguing silently with ourselves in an attempt to understand why a conversation and opinion went so sideways and how we ended up feeling guilty and responsible for it.

Stop analysing this. It’s rarely something to feel guilty or responsible for. It’s not yours after all. It’s never been yours! As one wise woman told me (that would be Dr T) “you aren’t even in it!”

Saying no, or contradicting somehow makes others point the finger in our direction, rather than admitting they just don’t like our answer.

So here’s the advice I tell my HSW clients. Think of a back and forth conversation as a back and forth tennis game. If the other side hits the ball to your side of the court and somehow you know that ball has changed colour mid-return or it should have been a foul, then shoot it back across the net where it came from and where it belongs. Don’t let it drop and remain on your side of the court.

If that tennis ball changed colour, you didn’t do it.

If that tennis ball went offside, you didn’t do it.

If you were accused of the sun being in your opponent’s eyes, you didn’t do it!

Do you get the picture?

Yes! Then repeat after me…

this is ‘not’ my responsibility…

this is ‘not’ my problem…

this is ‘not’ about me.

Long-winded story, but it occured to me while I was looking at cutesy pup trying her best to make me change my ways (and feel sorry for her in the mix). I’m not the one trying to sneak dinner early! Nope, this is ‘not’ about me!

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

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