Dr Bev Dr Toby Silverton McLagan Coaching frazzled exhaustion overwhelm women’s health work-life balance perfectionism. symptoms of burnout

Fail with Flair! | The Power of Failure

Fail with Flair | The Power of Failure

We just bet that you never thought the Burnout Queens would be talking about failure.  After all, we are known to be ‘glass half full’ kind of women.  Promise, we won’t disappoint, we shall remain optimistic even in the face of failure.

Failure is inescapable and necessary.  Seriously, failure is actually good for you!  It gives you practice for life ‘cause after all, life is all about trial and error.  Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we simply don’t.  So, as far as we can see…

If you don’t know how to fail,
well you don’t know how to live.
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We all have the skill to fail and make the most of it.  Did we say “skill to fail”?  Mon Dieu!  Oh sure, you can be a sloppy mistake maker but that’s not Burnout Queen style.  We prefer you fail with flair and you can do that.  Just embrace the Power of Failure and you come away bigger and bolder.

Failure expands your repertoire.

To make failure work for you, you have to understand it.   There are a few different ways in which you can fail, for instance, idea-wise.  Maybe your original idea is flawed or weak.  The more you work on it the more you realise it’s going nowhere.  Now this is a good thing to know because you can get out while the going’s good!  (You won’t believe how many articles get zapped with the ‘delete’ button!)

Then there are times you can suffer a failure of judgement!  Oh yes, we have all had moments when better judgement eludes us!  Maybe you trusted someone else’s judgement over your own or maybe you didn’t listen to your inner knowledge.  Whatever the reason, cringe and move on!

You know sometimes we ‘fail’ just because we haven’t got the necessary skill or ability to pull something off.  Easy two options…outsource or upgrade your skills.  No failure in that!

Now here’s another important confession about failure…it hurts!  No denying it, failure is ‘icky’ (that’s a clinical term by the way!).  It is frustrating and it can be embarrassing.  So go ahead, sit down and nurse your insults with cake and chocolate then get over it.  It is life, and failure is going to happen again…and again…and, yes likely, again.  Be human, give yourself permission to goof-up and even look foolish.  Then learn from it.  That’s the best way you get your courage back if failure has made you lose your nerve.

You have to defy failure if you want to defy ordinary!
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Remember, many of our failures exist only in our gorgeous heads!  Private failures so to speak.  Go ahead and have as many of these as you can.  Stop thinking of them as ‘wrong or misled’ and think of them as ‘first tries, first drafts, or first kick at the can!’  Ideas have to evolve and ripen before they see daylight.  Dress them up any way you want ‘cause no one but you sees them!

The experience of failure is profoundly personal.  One person’s failure is another’s success!

There are really only a couple of responses to failure; stick with the old or try something new.  You don’t need a perfect solution to every problem, you don’t even need to fix every failure.  One of the joys of failure is that you can literally wipe it away with a grande gesture and start afresh.  And that’s why…

Failure can be energising!  In fact if you let it, failure can be the messenger of great change.  When you recognise where and when you have tried and ‘failed’ you will begin to see new opportunities to try again or maybe try a totally new direction in the future.

With failure you can release the status quo and create newness in your life.

Understanding that we can fail with strength is important to both Burnout Queens and Highly Sensitive Women (often one and the same)!  When we are highly sensitive we tend to weight the ‘failure’ side or our life equation much more heavily than the success side.  We need to balance that scale…or burnout.

Fail privately.  Fail publicly.  Fail as many times as you want, but never, ever, apologise for failing.  Fail with pizzazz!  Own your failure proudly, then dust yourself off, straighten your crown and elegantly stride on!

Hey do you hear that noise?

That’s The Universe applauding your boldness!

Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev xx

PS.  The BOQs would love to hear from you!  Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

Divine Madness | Love Your Work!

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The Burnout Queens love Love; big Love, small Love, puppy Love!  Of course we are talking about Love today, check the date!  (There are times we love to be predictable!)  In past years we’ve ‘done’ Love (with a capital L), we’ve definitely talked about self-love and yes we have even explored the steamy kind, but love of work, loving what you do, is not necessarily the dot that gets connected to hearts and flowers.

Plato referred to love as ‘divine madness’ and Freud believed that two of the most important aspects of life were love and work.  So is it madness to believe you need to love your work to be healthy and happy?  The Burnout Queens don’t think so!

We have a very real need to love what we do… our work, the product, our art, our contribution and our success.
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If we connect love with work we should expect big moments of passion, true calling, momentous insights, or at least a big ‘kissy fest’ with our colleagues all the time…right?   Not necessarily so.

It can be a challenge to notice signs, big or small, of the kind of love that means your work is engaging your soul.  These signs often hide in the everyday, the mundane, the tedious and the commonplace.  So what exactly are you looking for?

Well, when you work with mindfulness you begin to identify signs of loving what you do: a moment of pride for a well done job; a rush of warmth, understanding or caring toward a co-worker;  the comfortable familiarity of an everyday task; the old books on the shelves in the boardroom; taking a moment to ‘see’ the painting you love on your office wall, the view outside your window; knowing you are doing ‘good’ work or providing for your life and family.

Here are some moments of love in my work:

black-heart15Typing this draft with my soul-dog on my lap (not great for my posture but fab for my heart),
black-heart15Receiving a ‘Hello here’s what I’m up to!’ from a long-ago (but never forgotten) client,
black-heart15Having an ‘ah hah moment’ when two seemingly diverse ideas collide and become something new...BIG LOVE!
black-heart15Writing that flows from the heart.
black-heart15A hot cup of tea and biscuit on the corner of my desk.
black-heart15Being ‘told’ to take a break by a ball dropped on my foot or thrown down the stairwell followed by barking!
black-heart15Receiving baby pictures, pet pictures, family pictures from clients new and old.
black-heart15Taking a brain-break by editing something already written (ah relax).
black-heart15Dropping a quick “Thinking of you” to a client for no reason other than to connect.
black-heart15Hearing the birds in the tree outside my window.
black-heart15Looking up to see the picture of Dad on my bookshelf.
black-heart15Stopping to read the Burnout Queens Desiderata (You mean you haven’t got one? Join the Realm Darlings!)

Let’s be honest we can all lose the love of our work from time to time! 

There will be days you don’t feel like showing up, but don’t make the mistake of thinking this means you don’t love what you do!

Stress, pressures, deadlines, dreaded tasks, the evil boss or conniving colleague, or just the tedium of the everyday can trick even the most enlightened and sensitive amongst us into missing (or possibly avoiding or ignoring) many opportunities to connect with the love of what you do.

In the BIG picture we all want to be happy at work.  We want our work to be engaging, pleasurable and fun at times.  We truly want to feel like we are doing something that contributes to the wellbeing of others in the world.  That sense of contributing is love personified.

Yes there are times when we drag ourselves ‘to the office’ moaning, but there are other times when maybe life is in turnoil that work becomes a place of refuge, a sanctuary.  Just the other day a client whose world has been turned upside down said it so clearly, “Thank goodness for my work, it’s keeping me sane!”  There was a time that my office became my retreat, my haven of peace, from family illness, crises and loss.  It was physically a peaceful and serene place, I loved my clients, and when ‘in session’ I was unavailable to the outside world!  What’s not to love.

Even if you aren’t currently in your ideal job or career, allow yourself to love aspects of what you are doing.

Finding love for what you do in the present doesn’t mean you can’t dream about the future and embrace change when it comes.
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Love for your work, in whatever nooks and crannies you can find it, opens up your imagination, your creativity and awakens your soul.

Being a highly sensitive woman means you were delightfully designed to find work you love but first you have to find love in your work. 

 

From our hearts to yours…Happy Valentines Day!

 

Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev xx

PS.  The BOQs would love to hear from you!  Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

Hello from Brighton & London: 6 February 2016

Hello from London & Brighton

Darlings how are you! January 1st came quietly seaside (always an HSP plan). Lots of end-of-holiday relaxing, browsing through magazines, and of course, the pups being cute and crazy. All this while the weather outside was truly frightful! (windy, rainy and chilly…we left Canada to escape this but it seems they bundled it up and sent it over on the jetstream…lovely)

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Speaking of weather, we tried to get up to London to soak in some culture, but trains were cancelled so change of plan…we enjoyed theatre seaside. We’re officially ‘sworn-to-secrecy about whodunit in London’s longest running mystery The Mousetrap (yes they insist at curtain call you cannot reveal anything, so lips are sealed), Fabulous entertainment and no it wasn’t the butler! (Dr T had figured it out early, but I didn’t see it coming at all!)

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Spring is determined to arrive, so beauty isn’t far behind in the gardens and the flower shops. When I see the first buds and flowers it makes me want to get out of hibernation and leisurely browse the streets and shops in our quirky town.

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February’s Leap Year is coming up, so we will have to discover something new and exciting this year. Will share it next time. And what about you?

Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev xx

Big Hair, High Heels! The Power of Confidence

Big Hair High Heels! The Power of Confidence

Hello!  Happy January & Happy New Year to all you fabulous Burnout Queens!  We hope your year has gotten off to a great start.  You probably expected us to kick-off (that would be a high kick!) 2016 with a ‘rah- rah, you can change your life tomorrow’ article!  Far too ordinary, just not BOQ style.  We are going for the gusto; dig in and dig deep!  Let’s start the year with confidence, we say!  No, really, this article is all about confidence…the power of confidence.

So…what is the power of confidence?  Are you ready?  Ta Dah

You own your confidence!
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Yes, it’s truly that simple!  Confidence comes from the inside; it is determined by you.  Confidence is about your beliefs, attitudes and experience.  It really isn’t about outside stuff like tasks, situations or relationships.

You, and only you, decide if you are a confident woman.
Now that’s powerful!

There are plenty of myths and misunderstandings about confidence out there.   Like this idea that confidence is a singular state of being; constant and steady, with no ebb and flow.  No wonder so many of us trip-up over confidence when we think of it as an either/or thing.  Confidence, you have it or you don’t.  Now that’s a myth for sure!

As long as you believe there is only one way to be confident you may make proclamations (cause that’s what Queens do!) like ‘I’m not confident’, ‘I don’t know how to be confident!’ or (we love this one) ‘I’ve lost my confidence’!!!  All of these statements are likely untrue and if we are to be completely frank with you darling a little ‘passe’!

Be assured, confidence doesn’t have to be complicated, not even when you are a Highly Sensitive and creative HSP (and as you well know us HSPs can complicate most anything we put our minds to!)  It’s just that confidence is multi-faceted like a brilliant diamond.  The experience of confidence is as varied and unique as you.

There is no one-size-fits-all feeling of confidence.

Confidence is situational.  You may be perfectly confident in one area of your life but quake in your ever-so-fashionable boots at the mere thought of another.  That’s perfectly normal!  (Yes, we use that term advisedly!)

Confidence has an ebb and flow.  Lots of things can affect your confidence, your mood, the company you are in, your physical state, even if you have slept poorly the night before.  Just ‘cause confidence can fluctuate doesn’t mean you don’t have it!

Confidence comes with doing.   This is vitally important to remember because confidence diminishes with avoiding.

Confidence can be ‘borrowed’ from one area of your life to enhance another.  Think about it…if you are good at xyz over there, you can borrow  skills or strengths or attitudes to hold you in good confidence in situation abc!

Confidence can be (how shall we put this?) improvised!  Even if you are feeling particularly shaky you can pull it out of a hat.  Remember when you were young and played pretend or dress-up?  Uh huh, who cares if you are all grown up, you can ‘play pretend’ with confidence.  I remember this Board Meeting that had me a nervous wreck, so I just dressed up (in my imagination) as Tina Turner and made my entrance.  Voila, instant over-the-top confidence (not to mention BIG hair)!  Here’s the hidden treasure in this one, shhhh, if you can pull it off with your imagination…you can actually do it.  So own it.  Strut your stuff!

Confidence grows when you are honest with yourself and others about your strengths, talents and capabilities.  This can be a little tricky for HSPs since we tend to under-estimate our abilities and our gifts, but the benefits are so fab it is well worth the discomfort of trying on this attitude.  It’s a perfect fit!

Self-honesty lets you be a learner, not-so-good at something or own being absolutely brilliant!!

So what are some other key misunderstandings about confidence…hmmm, thinking…got it!

Confidence is not something that you lose or carelessly misplace.  You lose contact lenses, you lose your keys, you lose your phone…you do not lose your confidence.  (So Darling please, no more ‘I’ve lost my confidence’!)

Confidence is not something someone else can take away from you!  The Power of Confidence is that YOU own it, it never belonged to anyone else…ever.  (So no more hiding behind that one!)

AND…get ready for it…for the record, you did not miss out on confidence by being in the wrong line when you were born.  (Nice try!)

Oh, and this is important, as a confident woman you do not have to be able to do anything and everything confidently the first time.  Do not fall into that trap!

Confidence comes from experiencing, succeeding and even failing.
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Here are a few more tid bits to think about when considering the power of  confidence…

If you have never done something before it stands to reason that you would have less confidence, but that doesn’t mean you have no confidence.  Increase your confidence by relating what you are about to do or enter into to similar situations or tasks you have been successful at in the past.  Then say to yourself…

I am confident!  I’ve had experiences like this before.

If you have done something and been a little less than perfect at it (what can we say, it happens) you might be a little ‘iffy’ about climbing on that learning curve again.  Relax, that’s why they call it a learning curve, you are allowed to be a learner!

Confidence increases with doing. Try again!
Give it a chance.

What if you have been doing the same thing over and over again and not succeeding or not even enjoying it?  You tell yourself  you have failed and so has your confidence!  Stop right there.  Get honest and ask yourself why you continue to do something you either aren’t any good at or you don’t like.  If something (or someone) is a bad fit, it’s simply a bad fit!   Darling, your confidence isn’t gone but you have to stop wearing the same old trainers and find some high heels you can proudly walk in!

When you don’t believe in your confidence you spend time and energy  fighting mental, emotional and even physical blocks.  You will feel heavy with anxiety, worry and trepidation because you are fighting shadows that aren’t real.

Stop hiding from the power of your confidence.  When you tell yourself that you don’t have confidence you end up avoiding and not experiencing something that you could be very very good at, brilliant at in fact!  That’s just not ‘ok’ with us!  So…

Get ready Burnout Queens…

Are you ready to own the Power of Confidence?

Are you ready to wear your confidence crown with pizzazz?

 

YOU ARE A CONFIDENT WOMAN!

We declare that with the utmost confidence!

 

Love, Dr Toby & Dr Bev xx

PS.  The BOQs would love to hear from you!  Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.

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