Sadly, bullying has become more and more common in today’s world.  Just look around globally to see some of the best role-models for being a bully! We hear about bullying in the workplace all the time.  It doesn’t matter what industry you work in, what rung of the ladder you hang out on, or whether you are self employed or do contract work, at some point you are likely to encounter a bully wearing a tie or heels!

Bullies come in all sizes, shapes, ages, and genders.  I have seen bullies in action in the executive suites of corporations, in theatre companies, in volunteer organisations, and in mental health centres where you would think they would know better!

Bullies are predators and HSPs resemble lunch!

When you are Highly Sensitive you go through life treating people with respect, avoiding conflict, not wanting to offend, and often keeping powerful opinions to yourself.  To a bully this appears as weakness.  Our empathic, loyal, sensitive, helpful, caring, compassionate, cooperative, and reasonable (we are the living definition of reasonable!) HSP nature is like a red flag to a bull.  Unfortunately, once a bully has you in their sights there is nothing much that turns them aside.  If you try to outrun a bully it just increases the pleasure of their chase (and your discomfort).

Being Highly Sensitive puts a bulls eye on your back!

Unfortunately bullies take advantage of our gentle nature.  They are smugly confident that we will not make waves for them.  In no way, shape, or form do they expect you to turn, stand your ground, and fight back.  It is time my lovely to forget about keeping your head down, not getting your hands dirty, playing nice in the sandbox, or taking your ball and going home.

It IS time to stand up to the bully. The bully doesn’t expect HSP strength.

We are going to talk you through it because first you have to overcome some attitude challenges!  The first challenge is:

We don’t want to fight back.  We don’t like fighting.  We don’t like the feeling of aggression and aggression doesn’t feel natural to us.  So, although you may cringe at the idea of going toe-to-toe with a bully, be assured that evolution is on your side.  It may not feel ‘natural’, but as a human being (HSP or otherwise) you are wired for agression and that, my dear, is a good thing.

Bullies don’t respect boundaries, ethics, or integrity.

Second HSP challenge?  We believe in taking the ‘high’ ground.  We believe and feel that we are abandoning our true nature, our integrity, and our values if we go on the offensive.  Nine times out of ten you can climb the high road, but heads up darling Burnout Queen, this is a special circumstance.  The bully is intentionally targeting you and you have every right, and need, to fight back.

Now here is the third really big, trip over big, hurdle.  We don’t ordinarily label bullying as violence.  It is.  Bullying is violence when it is emotional, verbal, mental, or physical.

Bullying is violence.

The Burnout Queens are all about inspiring you to live new directions, ideas, beliefs, and actions in your life.  We also know how practical solutions can be sanity-saving!  Here are some useful strategies:

Keep daily notes on everything that happens.  No, you are not being overly dramatic or picky.  Document everything.  Keep copies of emails, texts, or even recordings of telephone messages or calls (do check on the legality of this where you live).

Forget reasonable communication with a bully.  You can’t talk it out with a bully even if communication is your strong point.  You will be fair and even caring but bullies do not communicate with reason.  They will not take responsibility for what they are doing…never.  Here is a communication tip that goes completely against usual communication advice:

Do NOT use ‘I’ when speaking to a bully, use YOU.
This places responsibility exactly where it belongs.

Never ever justify or explain yourself to a bully.  This comes across as weakness to a bully and with that you turned into their ham sandwich!

Don’t keep the bullying a secret.  For numerous reasons (too numerous to go into here) we feel ashamed that we are being bullied.  We worry what others will think of us.  Bullies count on our reluctance to complain.

Silence protects the bully.

Take care of yourself.  Get support and help problem solving with someone who understands bullying.

Do not put up with a bully.  Have none of it!  You are smarter than a bully by leaps and bounds.  You understand people.  You analyse and reflect.  You have amazing intuition and wisdom.  If you are being bullied use every aspect of your sensitivity to your advantage.

Look straight ahead, stand tall, no sagging allowed.

Even though you feel uncomfortable, over-aroused, overwhelmed, and probably fearful now is the time to be bigger and braver than you feel inside.  Tap into all of your determination, resilience, tenaciousness, and that ‘will of steel’ that we know lives deep within your soul.  Believe in yourself and show others the strength that comes with being Highly Sensitive.

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

Have you found yourself ‘moaning’ about stuff getting in your way?  Are you feeling thwarted from achieving everything you want in your life?  Well, we may not be the popular kids in the club for saying this, but we say it with love, maybe you are ambivalent about actually going after what you want.  Maybe you have come up against one of the most potent barriers to feeling fully engaged in your life.  You think you want something, you tell yourself, and maybe even others, that you want something but when it comes right down to it…

Ambivalence can make you the
poster child of wishy-washy!

Ambivalence can stop you in your tracks because you are caught between conflicting feelings and choices.  Consciously you may be able to state quite clearly what your goals or wants are, but unconsciously ambivalence, with all its mixed feelings, is a hidden barrier to achieving all you want.

Oh, ambivalence may appear innocent and innocuous but (big but) ambivalence is a BIG barrier to balance, fulfillment, and bliss.  Not only that, ambivalence makes a frequent appearance on that path to burnout!

In its own quiet way ambivalence creates this kind of ho-hum, push-pull energy;  I want something, but do I really want it?  Do I really have the energy to pursue it?  Ambivalence leaves you frustrated, blocked, and stalled.  But, hey you are ambivalent so you tell yourself that ‘it doesn’t really matter’.  Well, my dear, it does!

Ambivalence clouds your clarity, drains your energy, and
wastes your time!

When you are ambivalent you may actually reject the very lifestyle, job, career, relationship, or life change that you consciously think you want.  We know that  redesigning a lifestyle involves many choices and changes, both big and small.  We also know that wanting life-change can often be accompanied with intense feelings of guilt, fear, selfishness, anxiety, self-doubt, and (no kidding with all these feelings going on) exhaustion.  When you are shoulder-shrugging about what you want, already difficult choices get that much harder to make.

Ambivalence unconsciously sabotages you
getting what you want.

So what does ambivalence sound like and feel like?  Well, one minute you believe in yourself and what you want and the next moment you don’t.  One day you wake up full of energy about changing, the next day you feel like hiding from it.  Today you feel so sure of your direction but tomorrow you feel lost.  With one thought you push yourself forward and tell yourself “it is going to be great” but the next thought brings self-doubt and the “how could I be so stupid?” message.  It is head spinning!

Ambivalence tempts you to give up, feel the failure, and
sound the retreat.

Think about something you really want in your life that requires a big decision or big change.  Come up with 5 reasons you tell yourself you should ‘go for it’.  Think about how life will change, be better, more inspired, healthier, whatever it is you are after.  Got it?

Now, go on and get all argumentative!  Argue yourself out of every one of your reasons that you came up with for changing your life.  (If you are a true Burnout Queen you have probably had practice at talking yourself out of things.)  Finally, review your reasons for and against.  What is dizzying about it is that quite often both sides make sense.  Well, this is the voice of ambivalence and it keeps you tap-dancing about your personal power, your success, your achievements, and your happiness.

Identifying your ambivalence is like coming out of the fog.

You suddenly know what you want and why you want it.  Sure you still have to make the changes, feel the jitters, goof-up a few times, but now you can get up, brush yourself off, and know exactly where you are heading.  Feels good!

Over the next few articles we are going to look at a few other hidden barriers that may be getting in your way to achieving your full potential…and avoiding burnout.

Shake off these hidden barriers and the stars are your limit…or not!

Love, The Burnout Queens xx

It’s time again!  It’s time to address overwhelm.  Every couple of years we revisit this topic, but each and every week we talk to clients about how they are feeling seriously overwhelmed in their lives.  Back when I first started writing about overwhelm I called it the ‘curse of the 21^st century’ and, you know what, I haven’t changed my mind one bit.  I mean to say…

Feeling overwhelmed
can bring the strongest of us to our knees.

Now, overwhelm is usually associated with a ‘to do’ list that could stretch around the globe, but we can also become overwhelmed from thoughts whirling in our head, or too many decisions to make, or even one too many great choices to choose from.  Here’s my current example, I’m desperately looking forward to my niece and two great (and I mean great!) nieces visiting in May.  I happily drop everything to spend time with these three, but beforehand my head is whirling with figuring out how to fit in all the adventures we want to have, when to get the dog sitter, which outings require the train and which ones suit the car (with or without panting dogs in the back seat!), dare I say it I’m overwhelmed by planning fun!

The most common misperception about overwhelm is that it has everything to do with ‘To Do’s’.

Well, my lovelies, overwhelm is not about the stuff.  Overwhelm is about the feelings that surround the stuff, the many projects, tasks, demands, shoulds, ought to’s, and everything else that lands on your list.  Being overwhelmed stems from a torrent of feelings and thoughts that all hit at the same time and vie for attention: feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, expectations and obligations all falling over each other trying to be first in line.  That’s what overwhelm is.

I need to…I should…what if I can’t?

When you are overwhelmed you likely feel a mixture of some of these  emotions (Perfectionism alert! There is no ‘right or wrong’ combo!):  stress, confusion, fear, anger, pressure, unsureness, embarrassment, and/or shame.  You may feel like you want to run or you may feel paralysed and can’t act.  You may feel like you can’t think.  You believe you can’t find a solution.  And you know what, at that moment you are right, you can’t find a solution.  Not at that moment anyway.

When we focus only on the ‘stuff’ our focus gets bogged down in how to get more and more done, how to prioritise all the seemingly ultra-important tasks, how to beat the clock, how to work faster and faster, until ultimately we end up tripping over our own feet and falling flat on our face!

Getting over the shame of being overwhelmed is a huge step.

There is no shame in becoming overwhelmed.  It happens.  So let’s drop the shame, drop the embarrassment, drop the fear that we are failing and look at a few very simple, but very savvy solutions.

No. 1:  Own it!  Declare your state of mind.  Be bold, and say it outloud, “I’m overwhelmed!”

No. 2:  Walk away.  Yes, that’s right, walk away from overwhelm, nothing will happen, the world will not end, and you will not explode into a gazillion little pieces.

No. 3:  Unpack the feelings.  Overwhelm is only the bubble wrap and you have to unwrap it to see what is of any value.

No. 4:  Get down off that ledge!  Give yourself some time, distance, and quiet.

When you are overwhelmed not only your brain needs a break, but your body also needs a break.  Overwhelm signals a ‘perceived threat’ and your body is part of the warning system.  You may find your heart racing or flip-flopping, your breathing may get rapid, you may get all sweaty or shaky, you could develop a headache, feel nauseated, or some icky combination of the above!

So to recap… Own it (I’m overwhelmed!!!); Walk away (tea and cake);  Unpack the feelings (get to the nitty gritty);  Get off that ledge! (phew)

Now you want to stay off that ledge!  So once you have had 10-20 minutes of absolute chill time (doing nothing, saying nothing, thinking nothing) and your brain has stopped smoking, get out a pad of paper (no technology you need tactile) and…

No. 5:  Decide.  Write down one small step (yes only one, more is not better)  that you can take to get unstuck.

No. 6:  Do it. 

That’s it.  Now repeat: focus, find the next small step (don’t look any further ahead that’s where overwhelm lurks), do it.  Repeat.

So, one last time (I know I’m repeating myself, but I can’t say it enough) being overwhelmed is not about the stuff it IS all about the feelings.  So what do you need to do?  It’s simple, it’s savvy…it’s simply savvy!  You got it…

Get quiet, find your focus, act.

I was recently asked how come ‘new’ doesn’t always feel like fun.  Well, there are times when new seems too unfamiliar, too big, too loud, too much, or just too new.

You see us HSPs are a curious bunch (curious as in unique, not curious as in snoopy, although we can be that as well) we love experiences, we love exploring and discovering, and we love newness, however, we can also be a cautious bunch.

That is why it is important for you, my lovely, to understand your relationship with ‘new’.  Do you forge ahead with gusto, tiptoe gently into the unknown, sneak-up on it carefully from the side, or wait to get dragged into the unfamiliar?  Whatever your style, it’s definitely time to…

Face the unfamiliar and ‘new’
any way you want.

It’s also high time you stop speaking harshly to yourself about being too much of a scaredy cat or ‘unadventurous’ or wondering what is ‘wrong’ with you that you don’t automatically embrace everything new!  You can be open to newness and still be respectful and mindful of your famous HSP ‘pause to check’ early warning system.

Pausing to check is different from avoidance.  You are allowed to warm-up to things; you are allowed to stick your toe in the water before jumping in head first.  Giving your natural curiosity a moment to ripen is about finding, or creating, a comfortable spot physically and/or psychologically for yourself.

The unknown factor of the unfamiliar means you have no starting point, no compass that firmly tells you where North is.  Sometimes that can be intimidating, often thought provoking, at times downright uncomfortable, and always unfamiliar.

The best thing is to make the unknown
as known as you possibly can.

Here are a few ways, both small and big, we check out the new and unfamiliar. (Please note, we raise our hands on these without a blush of embarrassment!)

• Check out a menu before visiting a new restaurant.
• Google-map an unknown neighbourhood before exploring.
• Check a venue out online before a concert.
• Check the weather app before heading out the door.
• Drive by a place to see if there is parking near by.
• Time the tube route before going to a job interview (who wants to be late, not an HSP!)

A little before-hand prep can help with planning, comfort, and even safety.  These days we check Foreign Office websites for travel safety advisories, we note the exit doors on airplanes, and we still look both ways before crossing the street!

We consider these things ‘normal’ and helpful, if not smart.  As HSPs we may turn the volume up on our prep a bit and that is perfectly OK.  No explanations needed, it’s simply our style.  It doesn’t mean we won’t participate in new experiences and it doesn’t mean we won’t love them!  We are allowed to dip our toe in the water before we take the plunge.

Facing the unfamiliar can make us feel lost, like we don’t know which way to turn, and that can fill us with doubt, tension, anxiety, and even fear.  Feeling so unsure, trepidacious, and thoroughly uncomfortable may even have us wondering why on earth we put ourselves through it.  So we back away, maybe even avoid.   Who needs to go on a cruise, it’s easier (read more familiar) to  stay at home, order the same old take-away, and watch reruns!  Nothing new, not even on telly!  Here’s the thing, my love, now we are talking burnout.  You will be disappointed, discouraged, and disheartened, not to mention bored because…

Life gets small when you don’t ‘do’ new.

Trying to keep everything from changing requires squashing your natural desire to explore and learn.  Squashing yourself all because somewhere ‘way back’ you have accepted the social/cultural message that we should all madly, wildly jump into the unknown without a second thought.  “Whoo Hoo!”  (Yeah, right.)   We feel ‘wrong’ before we start, all because we don’t know.  Darling that’s all there is to it!  We don’t know because we don’t know…YET!  Once we find out all we need to know to feel comfortable, well we are off exploring the world or a new city or a new job or a new hairdo for that matter.  Life is always going to be new, each day is ‘new’.  So, there you go.  New is simply new.  And you know what?

It truly doesn’t matter how you do new,
it only matters that you DO new.