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Is it burnout or depression? The Burnout Queens know.

June 26, 2014

We get asked this all the time and it’s a really good question. Many of the experiences and feelings of burnout can easily be mistaken or misdiagnosed as depression. But when it comes to burnout and depression, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, don’t assume it’s a duck!

Although burnout is not the same as depression it is pretty depressing to feel burned-out! By the time most of us admit to being fried, we are miserable. There is nothing fun about feeling exhausted, spent, drained, uninspired and unenthusiastic about life. Big problem, however, when you visit your doctor and describe your symptoms of burnout it is pretty easy to mistake them for depression unless your medical professional is really conversant with the complete clinical picture of burnout. Far too often, especially for women, a visit to a health care professional ends up with a diagnosis of ‘depression’ or ‘just stress’ and a costly prescription for anti-depressants. Neither of which are helpful. In fact, diagnosing ‘just stress’ is downright dangerous and although anti-depressants may temporarily make you feel less ‘down’ they will not in any way, shape or form, rescue you from burnout.

When you are burned out, you are disillusioned, disheartened, disappointed and depleted. You are not ‘sick’. You don’t need drugs. We have to repeat this because it is soooo important for highly sensitive and creative women to understand…anti-depressants will not ‘cure’ burnout. And, if you are an HSP you may experience more side effects than benefits from the medication. Let’s be clear, we don’t believe burnout needs to be ‘cured’ at all. Burnout is a gift, an opportunity we can learn from if we listen. What a wake-up call! If you are burned out it means one thing…life isn’t going as you planned or wanted it to, what better time to re-dream it all.

(Now before anyone out there gets all bent out of shape, of course, there is a completely appropriate place for medication in the treatment of severe forms of depression and some women get great benefits from anti-depressants. We know this from over 30 years of clinical experience as psychotherapists for women! However, we also know that in many situations they are not called for. Anti-depressants are over-prescribed in our current culture and burnout by and large does not warrant them. Moving on…)

After treating women for everything from anxiety to eating disorders to burnout we know how to distinguish burnout from depression. It can be complicated but simply put, with true clinical depression nothing relieves the feelings of loss, sadness, and hopelessness. Everything is viewed with the same gloom and nothing gives you a lift. There is barely a view of the future let alone a rosy one. When depressed it feels like there is a thick black blanket lying over everything and it is suffocating you. Nothing relieves this.

In distinct contrast, when you are burned out you look forward to the future and to regaining your usual dynamic self. If you know where to look you will still find pockets of interest, enthusiasm, motivation and hope existing, hidden but still there, you just have to know where and how to look.

When women talk about life beyond burnout, they light-up with excitement, anticipation and desire for the future. With the right guidance they begin to change the present and re-dream and recreate their future.

Burnout means that you are properly fried and frazzled! You have taken care of everyone else’s needs without tending to your own. You have been in overdrive for far too long trying to be and do your best. Pressures and challenges have piled up on you. Maybe you have experienced an accumulation of life shifts and life shocks with the same result as when you plug too many hairdryers into one outlet! Now feeling like that IS depressing, but it doesn’t mean you are depressed.

So here is the answer once and for all. Feeling depressed because you are burned-out is completely different than clinical depression.

To overcome burnout, and to go on to live a burnout-free lifestyle (yes Virginia it is absolutely possible) you have to understand your highly sensitive and burnout prone personality, embrace your gifts, strengths, and personal power and establish a few new pro-active coping skills.

Et Voila! Bye-bye Burnout…Hello high potential living!

Here’s one great tip:

If you are feeling pretty overwhelmed or discouraged about life these days, take a couple of days away from what you do. ( Sure phone in sick, just don’t tell them it was our idea.) Then buy a beautiful new notebook (we all love new notebooks they scream optimism) and take yourself out for the day.

Start dreaming and writing a big Wish List for the future. Dream wide and wild. If you seriously can’t find anything to dream about or to look forward to, absolutely nothing, then maybe it is time to talk to someone knowledgeable. Dare we suggest? (Of course we dare!) Go to our website and sign up for a Burnout Crisis Call. One call and we can help you determine what is going on, maybe even set a few strategies in place so you can get ‘out of stuck’. Don’t be shy. Better to know than to wonder.

Until next time, grab life by the crown!

Dr Toby & Dr Bev,

THE BURNOUT QUEENS!

Burnout and sex…what’s wrong with this picture?

June 5, 2014

We’ve said it before and we will say it again, burnout messes up everything. Burnout messes up your work, your career, your health, your relationships, and it messes up your love life. (One more thing, shhhh, burnout definitely messes up your sex life! I’m trying to be quiet here so we don’t get sp*mmed)!

Without a doubt,eventually burnout contaminates every aspect of living. So how do we convince highly intelligent, sensitive, creative, and professional women that burnout is a seriously sexy topic to talk about? Well, here at The Burnout Queens, we are not above appealing to your vanity! Burnout definitely affects the way your body looks. Here’s what one VIP client said:

“Burnout is like a rapid aging machine. My body’s changed, I look like I’ve been through a war! My hair’s falling out, my skin’s like paper, I have joint pain, and now I’m told that stress has thrown my body into early menopause. I’m in my 40s and I feel old.”

Chances are, if you are burned-out you will not have the physical or mental energy to take care of yourself. Exercise is out the window, you care less about what you eat which means you are probably gaining or losing weight. You may be drinking more wine or smoking more ‘just to relax’. Both these coping habits are going to affect how you look (premature aging causes wrinkles and saggy skin) and how you feel. Then there is the exhaustion to deal with. Many times women have told me that they fell into bed ‘too exhausted’ to bother washing their makeup off. Definitely not sexy to wake up the next morning with mascara racoon eyes and dull grimey skin! You don’t have the energy to get that haircut so desperately needed, don’t have the time to get clean underwear, and who cares if you shave your legs just wear tights another day! So many things, big and small make us feel awful about our physical self and, yes, distinctly un-sexy when burned-out.

Ok, so what about burnout and sex? What sex? It’s as easy as that. Being too exhausted, having too many headaches (legit ones), muscle aches and pains, indigestion, while not sleeping (which doesn’t mean middle of the night parties, if you know what I mean), or falling asleep mid-sentence, all adds up to… “You want what!”

Burnout is accompanied by so many stress symptoms we’ve lost count, but some are exclusive to our fabulous female bodies thanks to our unique physiology. We can include:

increased PMS tension
pre-menstrual headache syndrome
loss of menstruation
roller coaster hormones
painful sexual intercourse (vaginismus)
pelvic pain
postpartum depression
menopausal ‘blues’
infertility
inhibited sexual arousal
lowered sex drive

Burnout can cause all of this and more. Burnout means feeling absolutely falling-down exhausted, can’t think your way out of a paper bag, being irritable and impatient, wanting everyone to leave you alone, physically not feeling like being touched, and socially feeling very unsociable! Uh, we hate to say it, but that adds up to “Bye-bye sex”.

Wouldn’t you know it though, sex is one thing that can actually make you feel physically and emotionally better! You see, certain neurohormones boost dopamine which contributes to our feelings of wellbeing and pleasure. It’s also been connected with increased motivation, increased energy and the desire to be with others. Lots of happy brain chemicals, endorphins, are released when you fall in love, or lust, or have sex! They make you feel happy, relaxed, even giddy, like the world is your oyster (I’m not sure if oysters help burnout but they apparently do help sex-drive).

We know, we know, just the thought of having to put out energy for anything or anybody is beyond contemplation at times, but intimate touching can provide complete relaxation, and you know, the ‘big kaboom’, is a great anti-aging solution (which you will need if you keep going to bed with your makeup on!).

Here’s one great tip:

Take care of your body and you will also nurture your spirit. Make room for physical intimacy in your life, with a partner or on your own. Touch, gentle caring touch, can be a source of relaxation and a physical release of tension.

Until next time, grab life by the crown!

Don’t fall flat on your face from Burnout…Prevent it

May 22, 2014

The City from Tate Modern (Dr Bev’s blackberry)

Since we launched our new website a very few weeks ago we have heard that we actually made burnout “cool, sexy, and funky”! We’ve even had someone tell us that they “wished they were burned-out so they could join the realm!” Great! We love the enthusiasm BUT you definitely don’t have to be flat on your face from burnout to join the Burnout Queens. Not at all! Our biggest hope is that you stop living a burnout lifestyle and prevent yourself from falling flat on your face from burnout. (In fact burnout makes you accident prone so falling flat on your face is more than just a turn of phrase! Would you believe it, one of our lovely Burnout Queens actually did take a dive and broke her beautiful nose!)

If we could pick just one thing from our repertoire that would prevent you from burning out what would we pick? That’s easy! Put yourself Front & Centre in your life. That means you taking you and your life seriously.

We wouldn’t think of implying that you aren’t serious about everything you do in life (some of you even get serious about playing) but really, truly, we know your natural tendency is to make sure that everybody else has everything they need and want before you focus on yourself!

There are too many advantages to count to putting yourself ‘Front & Centre’ in your life, so here’s the crowning glory. When you live from Front & Centre you will follow your dreams, find your interests, acknowledge your needs, know what you want, choose healthy relationships, and embrace being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Sound too good to be true? What’s the catch? (tick, tick, tick…thinking) that’s right, there is none! Life only gets better and better when you choose Front & Centre. The only thing that can get in your way (ok maybe a couple) is listening to other people who actually like you putting them first (I’m sure you all have one or two of these in your life, I know I do) or listening to the Mind Chatter that is going on in your head,( shhh, listen…) “I can’t put myself first I have kids; I’m being selfish; It’s not nice to be self-centred; Who do you think you are? I can’t ask for that, I’ll be a nuisance.” That’s Mind Chatter whispering or shouting at you to get back in line (that would be behind everyone else in your life)! Being Front & Centre means believing in yourself and all of your gifts and strengths. When you do, you will show up BIG TIME in your life…crown and all! That means more you for you, and more you for those other important people in your life. It’s a win all around!

We will be rolling out, red carpet and all of course, plenty of classes and programmes, videos and audios all aimed at upping both your skill and capacity to put yourself Front & Centre in your life. In the meantime, take time to practice your new attitude!

Here’s one great tip!

Visualisation! Imagine a big ballroom and at one end is a gorgeous velvet and gilt throne; make it any colour you want. This is where you need to be, this is where you are headed. It is from this throne that you will direct your life. See yourself walking straight down that red carpet, donning your tiara and taking your seat. Sit tall, settle in and make yourself comfy. You have just taken your first and most important step to banishing burnout! You are Front & Centre in your life.

Until next time, grab life by the crown!

What does being overwhelmed have to do with the perfect manicure?

May 7, 2014

We are WOMEN and it is in our DNA to juggle, all balls in the air at once (while keeping the manicure perfect). We are not supposed to be overwhelmed, no no no, we are supposed to handle it all cooly.

We knew this year was going to be BIG! We decided to rebrand our business. A thoroughly BIG,but exciting opportunity; no complaints. It is also a BIG year because we have to apply for the ‘right to remain’ in the UK. We are here because all our ancestors were born here (hey, I can date mine back to the court of King James I) but now ‘the powers that be’ get to decide if we can stay on happily ever after. (I may have to flash the royal connection,after all we now have the crowns!).

Later this year, when the timing was right, we were probably going to move house. Don’t you just love it when all the stars are aligned and the plan fits together nicely. Well, we have a sign here that says, “Tear Up The Plans!” Oh yeah!

Some anti-social idiots have made it their raison d’etre to burgle the offices below our place, not just once, oh no, these are over-achievers, they keep coming back and back and back! (There is a positive, they don’t want our stuff they want our business neighbours truly expensive computers!). But, it’s scary! It’s maddening! AND it is infuriating because now we feel like we have to move. We had our timeline for the year worked out, it wouldn’t be perfect (we gave up ‘perfect’ for Lent years ago) but it was doable. But now this! Enough is enough!

In the past, we would have hidden being overwhelmed and attempted to look like we were handling it all effortlessly. Those days are done! We admit it, we own it, this IS royally overwhelming!

So why on earth as women do we fall victim to the epic myth that we should be unbothered and unflappable? In other words, we should never get overwhelmed because, after all, that means ( wait for it!) we can’t cope! Well, it’s all in the training to be a Burnout Queen!

I don’t know about you, but when I got overwhelmed as a little girl, it would be tears and stomping, pouting and sulking, or maybe throwing a ‘hissy fit’. Although incredibly annoying or embarrasing for Mum, it was completely appropriateas a kid’s coping style. Unfortunately, and maybe for you as well, expressing my overwhelm as a child would herald responses like: “You are ‘too’ emotional and too sensitive; stop whining and whingeing; you’re being a cry-baby, or a ‘princess’ (good for me on the way to becoming a Queen!) or you are being overly dramatic”. I regularly heard, “Surely it’s not that bad”. Well yes it was!

Here’s a quick story: A number of years ago Dr. B and I had a pretty serious car accident. Two days later we were back in the office. My first client of the day looked at me rather strangely and asked gently, “Are you ok?” to which I replied “Fine!” Many years later I happened upon a photo of myself at that time. I burst out laughing when I realised why my client had looked perplexed, my face was swollen and black and blue! Talk about living the myth! I didn’t want to be that ‘whiny, whingeing little girl’? I Didn’t want to be accused of being ‘dramatic, emotional, or weak’. I was going to handle it all. Inside it was a very different story! Overwhelm reigned supreme.

As of right now, here’s the Burnout Queen’s declaration! There is absolutely nothing wrong or uncool with being overwhelmed! Whether from too many changes, decisions to make, too many details to juggle, too many emotions, competing timelines or deadlines, or multiple life problems. Au contraire, it takes strength, confidence, and personal power to acknowledge and accept that there are times when it all just gets to you.

Being overwhelmed simply means you are being temporarily bombarded by ‘too’ many emotions and thoughts all at the same time. It doesn’t mean you are weak, incompetent, stupid, unable to cope, or a personal failure. It means you are human.

Keep these few things in mind the next time you feel overwhelmed, and there will be a next time, it’s natural.

Make no decisions on one hours sleep! (That’s a Burnout Queen rule).
Ignore all middle of the night catastrophic mind chatter: 3am disasters look very different at 6am! (If that is not a rule, it should be).
Focus on what is real for you. Do not let others’ opinions or advice rush you.

Remember, you are strong, directed, highly creative and sensitive. You care deeply about your life, you take things seriously and you want to get it right. It’s just that sometimes you can’t, but it’s not you… it’s life. From time to time this means being overwhelmed and that can feel decidedly uncool.

At times fear, pressure or time overshadows clarity, but you are a Burnout Queen and that means that you will find the most creative, ‘uniquely you’ solution to whatever challenges life throws your way. In the meantime…

Heres one great tip!

Stand up, declare it and own it! I’m overwhelmed! Now, while you are still standing…Eat chocolate, go shopping, and get a manicure! (How did that get there?)!

Until next time, grab life by the crown!

Who should we blame for burnout? Mum, of course!

April 28, 2014

Oh, it’s ok, we’re only teasing! We just wanted to hear the audible gasp of indignation since Mums get blamed for everything! However, having said that, there is a modicum of truth in the statement! As women we are raised and trained to burnout!

Why? It’s called sex role training, or in the biz…the pinks and the blues! No don’t go groaning, this is important stuff. We know it is no longer the 1950s, 1960s, or even the 1970s (thank goodness, the fashion!) but did you really think we had reached a time where little girls and little boys are raised the same? Sorry, afraid not. Sex-role stereotyping, although in some ways may have gone underground with political correctness, is still going strong.

So we ask the question (as we tentatively raise our heads above the parapet) “Why did our Mum’s raise and train us to burnout?”

Mums just did what they were supposed to do, raise us to be the spitting image of them! Let’s just get this out of the way once and for all, we are not in the business of blaming Mums for everything in the Universe (even with all our background in psychotherapy)! Not at all. However, the reality is, even though we live mid-21^st century, Mums still do most of the child-raising. We’re not even touching the politics of that one, it’s just the way it still is.

What’s important is until we understand what makes us as women so prone to burning out we will just keep raising our next generation of daughters and granddaughters to do the same. It’s time to change the inheritance!

More than likely we were raised to be good little girls: helpful, nice, and polite. We were taught to play cooperatively, not competitively. We were praised for sharing our toys without complain or whining. We were taught to be neat, tidy, careful, and probably cautious. We were taught that risks were for boys, which means we came to see risk as, well, too risky.

Girls are raised to be more dependent than independent. (Hold your fire, it’s not our fault!) In fact, it’s well researched that little girls are encouraged to stay close to home with Mum, where little boys are ‘expected’ to explore wider afield. Why? Well little boys have to let go of Mum and identify with Dad, little girls need to stay close to Mum so they can learn their ‘appropriate’ sex role. It’s ‘no-fault’ parenting at its best: it just is and probably always will be.

We have been subtly discouraged from asserting our values and beliefs, and from demanding our personal power. No one “likes” a powerful little girl! Horrors, she may be bossy or strong-willed! However, in stepping back from our rightful power we are taught to say ‘yes’ to others, but ‘NO’ to ourself.

In short, we end up believing we have no right to ask for more, to ask for what we want or need because that would appear too grabby, selfish, or assertive. Instead, we end up not feeling important enough or good enough to get what we really really want.

All of this shapes our attitudes, beliefs, and way of living. It shapes our choices of relationships and determines our choice of work. It is a headliner in whether we find work that truly expresses who we are. We end up not knowing, or disowning, our strengths, gifts and abilities.

Oh it’s true times have changed a lot but many women are still raised to sit on the side of the dance floor waiting to be asked. This may be ok in a club, but it’s not ok in life.

It’s time to break the rules. It’s time to embrace your Inner Queen; so grab your crown, take to the dance floor and lead!

One great tip: Take a big risk this week (go on just one): Say NO, ask for more, stand up and be counted, make yourself heard!

Until next time, grab life by the crown!

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