By now you know the Burnout Queens pretty well always see the glass as half full, if not flowing over. Occasionally, however, we have to talk about topics that feel ‘negative’ or ‘pessimistic’. This is one of those times. Today we are talking about a problem that unfortunately is not all that uncommon for Highly Sensitive women to encounter. What is it? Bullying.
Bullying has become more and more common in today’s world (you just have to think global don’t you!) Well recently one of our VIP clients experienced the resurgence of bullying from a co-worker. She had dealt with this person a couple of years ago, but bullies never really go away. So we talked about her way forward, which in this case is a job change; drastic but sometimes necessary.
Bullying in the workplace happens all the time. It doesn’t matter what industry you work in, what rung of the ladder you are on, or whether you are self-employed, you can experience bullying. Bullies come in all sizes and shapes. I have seen bullies in action in offices and had the unfortunate experience of being targetted by a bully when working in a psychiatric hospital. You would think mental health professionals would know better, wouldn’t you? (We can say it here, shame on them, they should!)
Bullies are predators and us sensitive types look like lunch!
Our empathic, loyal, sensitive, helpful, caring, compassionate, cooperative, reasonable (OMG we are reasonable!) HSP nature is like a red flag to a bull. Unfortunately, once they have you in their sight there is nothing much that can turn them aside. If you try to out run a bully it just increases the pleasure of their chase.
Bullies take advantage of our gentle nature, being sure that we will not make waves for them.
What bullies don’t expect is strength; they don’t expect us to turn, stand our ground, and fight. So forget about keeping your head down, playing nice in the sandbox, or taking your ball and going home, you have to stand up to a bully.
That presents the first hurdle, we don’t want to fight back. We don’t like the feeling of aggression and frankly aggression doesn’t seem to come naturally to us. Although you may cringe at the idea of going toe-to toe with a bully, rest assured evolution is on your side. While it may not feel ‘natural’, as a human being you are wired for aggression whether you know it or not. This is a good thing.
Next hurdle, we believe in taking the ‘high ground’. We feel like we are abandoning our true nature or our integrity or our values if we go on the offensive. Heads up our darling Burnout Queen, this is a special circumstance, the bully is intentionally targeting you, and you have every right, and perhaps need, to fight back. Bullies don’t respect boundaries, ethics, or integrity.
Now here’s another big hurdle, we don’t recognise bullying as violence. It is. Bullying takes the form of emotional, verbal, mental, and sometimes physical violence.
Just cause the bully may wear a suit or heels, doesn’t mean it’s not violence.
So what should you do?
◊ Keep notes on every thing that happens on a daily basis. No, you are not being picky. Document everything and keep copies of emails, texts, or even recordings of telephone calls (do check on the legality of this where you live).
◊ If you think you can talk it out with the bully, knowing that communication is our strong point, forget it. We know you will be fair and reasonable and even caring when you communicate. Bullies do not communicate with fairness or reason. They will never take responsibility for what they are doing. One little communication tip: do NOT use ‘I’ when talking with a bully, use YOU. This puts the responsibility firmly where it lies.
◊ Never ever ever justify, explain, or reason with a bully. It looks like weakness to them causing them to start salivating.
◊ Don’t keep it a secret. For some reason we feel ashamed that we are being picked on, or perhaps think that others will assume we ‘must’ have done something to bring this on. Bullies count on our reticence to complain. Don’t protect the bully by remaining silent.
◊ Last but not least, take care of yourself. Get support, talk about your feelings and how you can problem solve with someone who understands the nature of bullies. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Of course, a little pampering goes a long way.
We associate bullying with school, (or maybe football teams) but we don’t often expect to find it in the grown up adult world of work. Wrong! Bullies haven’t grown up so work is just an extension of the school yard to them. The truth is you can encounter a bully in a club, on a committee, or even in your family. Regardless of where you have this unfortunate encounter, the rule is the same…do not put up with a bully.
Suck it up and puff up! Be bigger and braver than you feel inside. Stand tall, look straight ahead, no sagging allowed.
Oh you will feel uncomfortable, over-aroused and probably fearful, but bullies look for easy targets so being a kind and gentle HSW makes us pretty perfect for target practice.
Have none of it! You are smarter than a bully by leaps and bounds. You understand people. You analyse and reflect. You have amazing intuition and wisdom. If you are being bullied use every aspect of your sensitivity to your advantage. Then tap into all of that determination, tenaciousness, and that will of steel that we know lives deep within your soul. Believe in yourself and let others see just how strong you are.
PS. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.
