Feeling the need to speak up? Searching for the ‘right’ thing to say? Wondering why you don’t get heard?
We could jump off right here into ‘self-help land’ and say… ‘You need to learn to be more assertive’! (Groan if you must but please don’t hit delete!). We said we could say that, but we won’t.
You see, we don’t believe that assertiveness is simply about speaking-up. We think it’s about speaking from your heart and soul and you can only do that when you know yourself, are confident with who you are, believe in who you are and speak from your power. Now, that’s when you will get heard.
You can’t be effectively assertive if you don’t own yourself.
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I used to think that being assertive meant having to ‘puff-up’ and become loud, bullish, pushy, and even angry. (The stereotypes are glaring and I had bought them all!) Well, that wasn’t me and was never going to be me. Now I know that volume doesn’t count. Assertiveness is about honouring who I am.
Assertiveness comes naturally when you are comfortable with your personality and your style.
When you are highly sensitive, creative and quirky becoming confidently assertive can be difficult especially when the rest of the world keeps telling you that you are ‘too’ much of this or ‘too’ much of that. To assert yourself in a world that resists who you are, or doesn’t understand who you are, requires you to remain steadfastly true to yourself and to speak-up in your own unique and indomitable style.
When you are a Highly Sensitive Woman (HSW), and likely many of you are also introverts, you can be assertive, stand up for yourself and what you believe. You can be heard, get your ideas across, get what you want and need and even occasionally put someone in their place! Assertiveness-speak doesn’t depend on, nor require, being loud or aggressive.
Being boldly assertiveness can be as quiet and gentle as you are.
Be confident in all your quietness. You don’t need to be loud to be powerful. Quietness, even silence, can get your message across clearly and strongly.
Sometimes we communicate the ‘loudest’ when we whisper or say nothing.
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Voice what’s on your mind, quietly or loudly, gently or boldly. Believe in your message and believe that you have the right to deliver it, on the spot…or later if that’s when inspiration hits you!
This brings up another point about being assertive when you are highly sensitive. I can’t tell you how many times I have come up with the perfect response…after the fact! In the moment I’m rubbish! It seems to be an HSP thing.
So many sensitive women that we have met and counselled over the years have the same complaint. They are frustrated that they come up with their ‘brilliant’ answer or come-back an hour later! Then they beat themselves up because they couldn’t come up with that witty, intelligent or kick-ass response on the spot. We’ve all been there done that, so we know what comes next, total frustration along with wondering what is ‘wrong’ with us. Why is it that everyone else always has the ‘perfect’ comeback on the tip of their tongue? (Shhh, here’s the secret, they don’t but they bluff better than we do.)
Of course we want to say something witty, powerful, thoughtful, intelligent, strong or provocative but at the time, well let’s just say we choke. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in our minds and bodies that we go blank. We need time to come down from that ledge of over-arousal. We need time to sort through what has transpired and how we want to respond to it. So…
We need to be proactive in this scenario, which also means another form of being assertive.
It is perfectly brilliant to take a ‘rain check’ on responding.
Do this by having a couple of pre-packaged responses always at the ready. Something like…
- I’m not sure what I think about that I’ll have to get back to you.
- I need time to think about that can we talk tomorrow.
- You’ve taken me by surprise and I’m not willing to respond until I’ve had time to think it through.
You get the idea!
I assure you as someone who has taught communication skills, that this is a perfectly legitimate and acceptable way to be assertive. Indeed you are being wise and considerate of your own needs. You are not ducking out or being a coward!
A ‘get back to you’ solution can be a life-saver in many many situations from family dinners to board meetings.
One more thing, don’t fall into the trap of believing that assertiveness is a win-lose situation. They do not win and you lose if you choose to walk away and respond at a later date or if you even choose assertively to not respond at all.
There’s another aspect of assertiveness that we actually believe is far more important than being able to say the right thing at the right time, but that’s going to have to wait until the next feature article that takes assertiveness beyond speaking up, to being all about showing up!
For now we hope, in a very good way, that your gorgeous head is brimming with creative ideas of how you can and will wear your assertiveness crown.
P.S. The BOQs would love to hear from you! Leave your wisdom and comments in the box below.
